


Behind Blue Eyes

by The_Most_Obvious_Sherlockian



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Awful Crowley, Blue Eyes, Bullying, Castiel's Family, Castiel's Terrible Family, Castiel-centric, Character Death, Chronic Illness, Chuck Shurley is Castiel's Father, Crowley Being an Asshole, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Drugs, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/M, Homophobia, Homosexuality, Human Castiel, Hunter Dean Winchester, Hurt Castiel, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Original Character Death(s), Rape, References to Illness, Sad, Sad Castiel, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Sharing a Room, Suicide Attempt, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-16 06:46:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4615305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Most_Obvious_Sherlockian/pseuds/The_Most_Obvious_Sherlockian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is a depressed 16-year-old who lives with his massive family in a not-so-massive house. His mother is very ill. When she dies, he has a hard time continuing on and finds himself in a cute little coffee shop with a really cute guy (Dean)...<br/>Relationships are in order of time focused on them. Mostly Destiel here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduction to the horrible awfulness that is what I write purely to keep myself sane. If I did it right, there should be tears. At several points.  
> It sure is nice to have characters pre-made.

Castiel awoke to a song he knew very well. He let it play as he won the race to the bathroom. He took a deep breath and stared at himself in the mirror for a moment. He looked so sad. He watched the false happiness wash over him, the mask. It made him look like a different person. The person his family knew.

When he came back into the room, music was still playing and Balthazar was still in bed. "Fucking hate Styx," he complained into his pillow, accent barley recognizable. Balthazar wasn't technically Cas's brother, they were cousins. He had spent five of his early years living with his mother, some distant aunt to Castiel, in Great Britain. His mother had sent him to live with the Novaks a bit under-the-table for reasons never specified to Cas. He'd lived with Cas and his immediate family for years and still, Balthazar retained a gruff British accent, which was always difficult to explain. He was half a year older than Cas.

"Then get your lazy British ass out of bed. Lucky for you, _everyone_ is getting a late start this morning. Bathroom's all yours." Normally the two bathrooms in the house (one of which was only accessible by walking through the master bedroom, something no one wanted to do) would be overrun with siblings trying to get all of their bathroom duties done before it was time to leave.

Balthazar groaned and rolled out of bed with a light _thud_. "There is no _point!_ " he complained. He had just gotten back from a visit to the UK the previous night.

Cas rolled his eyes as he fished through his and Balthazar's dresser for a pair of jeans that belonged to- or at least fit him. He switched drawers, when he found what he was looking for, and began searching for a shirt he wouldn't mind getting blood on. By the time he was dressed appropriately for school and stuffing last night's homework into his bag, Balthazar was just closing the bathroom door behind him.

Cas slung his bag over his shoulder and walked out of his shared room. He checked his hair in the mirror on the bathroom door. He ran a hand through it in a desperate attempt to tame it, but did nothing whatsoever, and continued into the living room. Micheal, Gabriel and man of the house himself, Chuck were at the dining room table (which lived in the living room).

Micheal was using one of the two laptops in the house to do God knows what. Gabriel was using the other laptop to finish an essay assigned God knows when which was undoubtedly due that morning. Chuck was pouring over medical bills for God knows how much.

"Poptart?" Gabriel offered, shoving a chunk of his offer into his mouth, getting crumbs all over the keyboard of the laptop.

Cas stopped walking and shook his head. "Already brushed," he said with a small smile. "Any chance I'll be getting a ride from any of you?"

"I'm not going in until third period today," Gabriel said. "Micheal has decided to simply become a computer to make his online classes easier," Micheal took a deep breath and ran a hand through his dark hair although he probably had been to absorbed to even hear Gabriel. "And Dad's... well Dad. So, I'd plan on walking if I were you."

Chuck said nothing. He really hadn't said much since his wife Celeste fell ill. She was in the hospital that morning. Nothing new, she had been in and out of the hospital for months. She was due to come home the next morning.

Cas shrugged. "Didn't think so." He continued walking towards the door. He'd be getting to school early, but there was a not-so-pleasant not-so-surprise waiting for him there and he'd like a few minutes to be with his friends before the broken nose. Or, a few minutes to clean up if the surprise was early.

"Cassie?" Cas stopped and turned to look at Gabriel.

"What?" he snapped, annoyed by the nickname.

"Come give me a hug," he said, scooting away from the table and opening his arms. He looked down, brushed some crumbs off his chest and reopened his arms.

Cas furrowed his brow. "Why?"

"Because I love you," he insisted.

"Since when?" Cas asked, taking a step backwards, away from his brother.

"Just come here," Gabriel said, ditching the loving tone.

Cas shrugged, _What's the worst that could happen?_ he asked himself. He walked up to Gabriel who pulled him in for a tight hug.

"If I email my essay to you will you finish it first period?" he whispered. He didn't want Chuck to hear. Or Micheal: the family success. Of course, after Lucifer, anyone seemed like a success.

"No," Cas whispered back definitively.

"Aw why not?" Gabriel whined, pushing Cas away.

"Because it's not my fucking essay," Cas said with a false smile.

"Language," Chuck mumbled. He probably didn't even know who'd spoken.

"Oh please!" Gabriel pouted, "We all know you have nothing to do first period!"

Cas scoffed, "I have student newspaper first period!"

"Yeah, but you finish those crap articles in like five seconds and spend the rest of the period looking up Benedict Cumberbatch in a bathing suit."

"Shut up!" Cas shouted.

Chuck shushed him, which was a little ridiculous considering the rest of the crowd had woken up and Rachel was explaining to Samandriel why he couldn't go into the bathroom with her and Hester rather loudly.

"Now I'm definitely not writing your stupid essay!" he said, turning around and walking towards the door.

"I'll pay you! Just edit it!"

"I'm leaving." Cas opened to door, walked out and closed it behind him. He stood on the doorstep for a few seconds and inhaled the cool morning air with closed eyes. Of course, it never gets too cold in Santa Cruz- not even at night, but there is a little variation. As he inhaled, the mask fell away and the fake smile faded.

Cas opened his eyes and started walking to the school.

Crowley was a stout young man with black hair who was always wearing black. He had a gruff British accent, a bit like Balthazar's, but said things Cas knew Balthazar would never have the heart to say. Crowley was a junior, Cas was a sophomore, and somehow, they'd managed to be in schools together since Cas was in the third grade. Crowley had some sort of abuse for Cas every day. Usually it was just some offensive language and a few shoves, but on the bad days, Crowley could give Cas a real beating. He'd been out of town for two weeks.

There was no doubt in Cas's mind that this was going to be one of the bad days. Not as he walked into the building and caught sight of Crowley winking at him. Not as he was shoved against his locker while trying to escape.

"Fucking faggot," Crowley grumbled as if Cas were nothing but a petty pain in his ass. Like a chore. Cas took a deep breath and internally braced himself. A few of Crowley's followers appeared beside him. Crowley went immediately for the face, Cas was almost thrown to the ground with the sheer force of the blow to his cheekbone.

 

"Fucking asshole," Charlie growled as she dabbed at the cuts on Cas's cheekbones, eyebrow and his split lip with a wet napkin.

"Little late for this don't you think?" Cas asked. He'd been beaten that morning, he'd only found Charlie at lunch. Charlie sighed.

"There's got to be something we can do about this," Garth said, pulling the sticky note from his mother off of his sandwich.

"For fuck's sake, Garth, you're in high school make your own lunch," Jody groaned, she was sitting next to him, across from Cas and Charlie. "You know, your mom's little 'I love you' notes aren't just embarrassing you. They embarrass everyone around you."

"What can we do?" Cas asked. "It's not like we haven't talked to... well everyone. That's done nothing but give Crowley- ow!"

"Stop moving!"

"No- that is literally doing nothing. I mean, I can't stand up to him. I tried that and he got his minions to help him crack my ribs."

"How did your parents not question that?" Jody asked.

Cas shrugged, "They actually believed I'd fallen down a flight of stairs."

"We should stand up to him. Together," Charlie said. "I mean, there's no way he can take the four of us. Give him a taste of his own fucking medicine. He shouldn't get away with what he's doing to you, and he certainly shouldn't be doing it simply because you were brave enough to come out."

Cas smiled fondly at Charlie. "I wouldn't let you do that. You know I wouldn't. You'd just be giving him an excuse to beat up on you."

"I'm so sorry," Charlie said, wrapping her arms around one of Cas's. She knew better than to pursue that point, they'd had this argument before. She rested her head on Cas's shoulder. "I just want to do something about it. You're like my brother. I want to help you."

Cas looked at Charlie and smiled again, "Because that's what I need; another sibling."

 

Cas found his way out of the school after the bell rang before any further contact with Crowley. He encountered Lilith, Alistair and Ruby but was moving too fast for anything more than a few yelled insults. When he walked out the doors of the school, his pace didn't change. He clutched a few books to his chest, his bag flung over one shoulder. He looked up quickly to see Micheal's barely-running 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V, Gabriel in the driver's seat. It was running, so Cas ran and jumped in.

"What?" Gabriel demanded before he realized who'd jumped in the car.

"You should really lock the doors," Cas pointed out, not looking at Gabriel. His injuries were more obvious if he looked at someone head on, and he'd like to get home interrogation free.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Gabriel demanded. "I ain't goin' home baby bro."

Cas took a deep breath, "Please," he begged, voice cracking a little. "I've had a bad day I just want to go home."

"Hey," Gabriel said, watching Cas. "Look at me baby bro."

Cas stared out the window.

"Castiel look at me," Gabriel commanded. Cas reluctantly did as he was told. "What the fuck happened to your face?" Gabriel demanded, leaning towards Cas and extending his hand.

Cas moved away, not letting his older brother touch his wounds. "The fuck do you think, Gabriel?"

"Someone beat you up? It was that son of a bitch Crowley wasn't it?"

Cas clutched his stomach. which hadn't felt right since the one good jab Crowley'd gotten at it. "Please. I just want to go home."

"Yeah," Gabriel agreed. "Yeah, okay. I'm sorry little brother. Let's go home."

When Cas opened the front door to his house, he was greeted by something he didn't expect. The voice of his mother.

"Mom?" he asked, looking up and around. She wasn't due home until tomorrow. He caught sight of her, frail but beautiful, and ran into her warm welcoming arms.

"Yeah... they let me come home early," she said, her voice weak. She stroked Cas hair. "I missed you baby."

"I missed you too," Cas whispered, holding her tighter. Cas knew very well that every time he saw his mother could be the last. He felt like he barely knew her, but he loved her, and he never wanted to let her go. Even though, when he hugged her he felt like he could break her, he never wanted to let her go. 

"What happened to your face, baby?" she asked when Cas let her go. Her pale fingers brushed over Cas's eyebrow and cheekbone.

"Cassie got beat up," Gabriel chimed in. "Same jerk who did it last time."

"Oh," Celeste whispered. "Oh, Cas I've got to do something about this. Talk to someone."

Cas nodded even though he knew it wasn't going to work. It never worked. 


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel awoke to a song he vaguely recognized. He slammed his hand down on his alarm clock, somehow hitting the snooze button in the process. He heard Balthazar yawn and groan in the bed parallel his. Cas hadn't gotten much sleep. Like most nights, he had spent hours tossing, turning, and thinking about various things. Including how he should be sleeping. 

"Time?" Balthazar asked. 

"Six thirty," Cas yawned back. _The same time we wake up every day_ , he thought. 

"Fuckin' Mondays," was Balthazar's response. 

"It's Wednesday," Cas groaned back. 

"Fuuuuuck. That's even worse," Balthazar said as he rolled out of bed. Cas considered doing the same. He needed to shower, and if he didn't get up soon, the two bathrooms would be overrun. He didn't want to do it today. In fact, he didn't really want to do anything today. And not just the normal teenager "I don't wanna" kind of thing. He would rather die than face another day. Mom was sick. He was a quiet, dorky looking gay kid in hand-me-down clothing. He didn't want to be ignored by his dad, he didn't want to see his mom skinny and pale like she had been of late. He didn't want to deal with the assholes at school. He wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, and it scared him. 

"Cassie," Cas cringed at the nickname, "You gonna get up?" 

"I don't know, Balthazar. I don't really..." he groaned instead of finishing his sentence, and rolled over in his bed. He was struck by a pillow. 

"Get up!" Balthazar almost yelled. 

Cas just curled up in a tighter ball. He knew this behavior would strike Balthazar as odd, since usually their roles were reversed. Castiel was a straight A student, aiming high. Balthazar was one bad day away from dropping out. Balthazar, as expected, sat down on Cas's bed. Cas had his back to his big brother. 

"You alright?" the elder asked with as much compassion as was possible for him to muster for any human being. 

"No." 

"Are you... sick?" 

"No." 

"Then get up. This place will be a zoo in twenty minutes." 

Cas and Balthazar always set their alarm twenty minutes before everyone else. It was self preservation, really. They didn't want to be trampled by the crowd trying to get to the bathroom. No one else in the family seemed to have the will power to get up earlier than absolutely necessary. 

"Balthazar-" 

"Dibs on this bathroom." 

Balthazar, and later the rest of his siblings- and even later, perhaps his parents, would never stop pestering him to get out of bed, so Cas got up then. 

He pulled on a pair of pants and meandered into his parents' bedroom. They didn't awaken when he opened the door. He was quite adept at opening the door silently, since Balthazar "called dibs" on the bathroom by the bedrooms every day he was present and conscious early enough. Cas didn't turn the light on, again, not wanting to wake his parents, and walked slowly- hoping that there was no excess debris (especially condom wrappers. That had happened once...)- to the master bathroom. Cas didn't even turn the light in the bathroom until after he'd closed the door, so he didn't notice the open medicine cabinet until a few seconds after he entered the room. The cabinet, which had been closed every other time Cas had been in the bathroom, was filled to the brim with orange bottles of pills. Prescriptions, obviously. For his mother. He thought about what each of them did. He thought about what each of them did when she took them. He though about what each of them would do if he took them. 

Slowly, he reached out and grabbed an orange bottle. He looked at the label, but didn't read it. Almost subconsciously, he unscrewed the cap. There were lots of little round white pills in it. He thought about what would happen if he took one of them. Then he thought about what would happen if he took all of them. Would it kill him? 

He thought about his family- but not in the way he should've. He thought about how short on money they were. If they had one less mouth to feed, one less kid to clothe... maybe they would be able to afford the medical care Celeste needed. With him gone, Samandriel could move into his and Balthazar's room instead of living with the two girls. He stayed there when Balthazar was gone anyway, he'd just be sleeping in another bed. With him gone, they would be one step closer to sending Michael to college- to getting him the education he wanted and deserved. And who would miss him? The Novaks had too many kids... it was like they didn't really know any of them. Except the oldest. 

Before he even realized he was moving, he orange plastic was to his lips. He was tipping it back so pills could cascade into his mouth. 

He started thinking about his friends- but not in the way he should've. He only had three. There were only three people, at a school of a hundred times that many, who would be seen doing something with Cas other than beating him up. Charlie, Jody, and Garth. Not even his brothers wanted to be around him at school. With Cas gone, his friends might be teased less- if they weren't hanging out with a mess like Cas. Garth might get a girlfriend, Jody might get a boyfriend. Charlie probably wouldn't date anyone since being gay was what turned Cas into a loser in the first place. She was very pretty though, Cas thought, she might go into a secret relationship. 

Cas was swallowing. It was hard, since he didn't have water, but somehow, he got all of the pills down. Every single one. There must've been thirty in there... his mom must've just gotten it refilled. He knew that it was going to be painful. He didn't want it to be painful. He was doing this to stop the pain. So, he lay down on one of the bathroom mats, took a towel off the wrack to use as a pillow, and closed his eyes for what he hoped was the last time. It only took him thirty seconds to fall asleep, since he still hadn't really woken up. 

The next time Cas opened his eyes, he was in the hospital. He blinked a couple times, trying to remember how he got there. His mom was sitting beside his bed. She looked very worried. Cas looked at her. He looked at her brilliant blue eyes, much like his own, but sunken, unlike his own. He admired her long, almost black hair. Usually, it fell loosely around her shoulders, but it was tied in a messy knot. Then, he looked at the rest of her face. Her cheeks were hollow, her cheekbones prominent. Her skin was an unhealthy shade- almost grey. She had always had worry lines, but Cas had never really seen her worried or upset. She was dying, and she tried to be happy all the time, something she and her son had in common. But now, she was frowning. Her eyes were bloodshot, and there were evident bags under them. This was what she looked like when she had a really bad couple of days. This is what she looked like when Cas had to visit her in the hospital. But this wasn't that. She was in the chair, not in the bed. She was worried about her son. Not about herself. 

As Cas looked at the rest of her, he noticed what he'd always tired not to. He saw how skinny she was, how shaky. Her collarbone erupted, skin stretched tight over it, right above what ribs Cas could see. She was wearing a plain, navy blue, long sleeved, v-neck shirt. It wasn't very low cut. Even though she looked like she had been through hell, she was beautiful. Cas wondered why he'd ever wanted to leave her. 

"Mom?" he croaked out. His throat hurt. It was sore- raw almost. Scraped up. Like he'd thrown up a hundred times. Maybe he had. 

A sob shook her, "Cas?" she closed her eyes tightly, and covered her mouth. A tear escaped. She was obviously trying to hide that she was crying. 

"Mom, I'm sorry." 

Celeste rose from her chair, and hugged her son. The way everything was arranged made the whole thing awkward, but if Cas ignored that, and ignored the boniness of his mom, and ignored the pain- both physical and emotional- he could almost imagine he was a little boy again. Everything had been so simple then. 

"Castiel, we're going to get you some help, okay?" she whispered into his ear, "We're going to help you. If you're ever anywhere close to this again, you come tell me, okay baby?" she was speaking softly now, but her voice was corrupted by crying and she didnt sounds like herself. 

"Okay, mom," now Cas was trying not to cry. 

"Do you promise?" 

"I promise."

One week in the hospital- most of that spent in therapy- and a month an a half of therapy after that. That's what the Novak family had been able to afford. 

When Cas arrived home from this hospital, he was greeted by his siblings. Only Celeste and Chuck had seen him in the hospital, so he was glad to see the rest of his family. They weren't glad to see him. Or if they were, they were too paralyzed with fear of him to show it. They barely talked to him, as if anything they said would send him into a suicidal fit. Only his mother treated him like a human being. She became his best friend. She listened to what he had to say, and didn't act like a mom about it. She didn't stop him from swearing- when they were alone- and he didn't get in trouble when he confessed to doing things that normally would've gotten his ass kicked. But she was getting worse. Her condition decreased exponentially between the time Cas woke up at the hospital and the time he got home. When he asked Balthazar about it, he got a very disturbing answer that did not fit the tiptoeing-around-anything-that-could-make-Cas-sad trend. 

"Whatever you took was something she really needed I guess," he said, "I heard Dad saying Mum's doctor wouldn't write her another prescription until she was due for a refill even though there was nothing left. Whenever anyone asks her, though, she says it's stress. That's total bullshit. It's the pills." 

A month after that, Cas was taken out of therapy because his mom had to go to the hospital. She never came home. Celeste Novak stayed in the hospital for almost two months before she died. All of her kids went to see her while she was there. All of them said they loved her. All of them hugged her and kissed her cheek. But Cas stayed with her. He left only to go to school- because she gave him hell if he didn't. He stayed by her side and talked her her like she had done for him. He even slept there. And when she died, no one wept more than Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll probably begin to notice I'm big on patterns, especially if you're taking the time to read the notes at the end of the chapter. They make everything more powerful for me, and I hope you feel the same way.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added a little to the end of the last chapter... It's a little important so you may want to look back and read it. Sorry for the confusion, I thought it flowed better this way.

Cas sat on his bed, head in his hands. Balthazar was sitting opposite him, in a similar position. Neither had really spoken for hours. Every once in a while, Balthazar would mutter something not quite audible, but other than that, the two sat in silence. Cas hadn't been in his brothers' and sisters' rooms, but he was sure there were similar scenes in all of them. He didn't even want to think about what his dad might be doing. Probably planning a funeral. Trying to figure out what the life insurance would cover, what he would have to drop because it wouldn't. Celeste wouldn't have wanted a funeral, but Chuck was undoubtedly going to give her one.

"You know, Cas, she'd been sick for so long," Balthazar began, "so many ups and downs... I thought I knew this was going to happen eventually but..."

"It's like you never believed it would," Cas finished for him. He knew exactly how his older brother felt, he felt the same way. Since his suicide attempt, he and his mother had spent so much time together, Cas knew how sick she had been- something she kept from the rest of the family, but even when she was confined to her hospital bed, he had never really believed she would die. But now she had. Now, she was gone. Forever. And Cas still expected to hear her walk through the front door. To give each of her children an individual hug like she always had when she got home from the hospital. But that would never happen again.

Cas did hear the front door, though. He got up and all but ran out of his room, into the living room to see who was at the door. Of course, it wasn't their mom. It was Chuck.

"Cas," his dad seemed almost as disappointed to see his son as his son was to see him, "Why aren't you at school?"

"Took a day off," Cas stated coolly. That was his dad. Mom just died, and Chuck wanted to know why he wasn't out getting an education.

"Better just be the day," Chuck was implying Cas had dropped out. Or was planning on doing so. He didn't want another Lucifer, which was understandable.

"It is," Cas assured him.

Chuck nodded and continued back to the master bedroom. Castiel didn't know how his dad could stand to be in the room where his wife had slept every night she wasn't at the hospital. Everything that was left of her was still in there. Cas couldn't even look at the pictures of the happy couple on the walls. Of course, he hadn't been able to do that for a while before his mother had died either. The photos were lies. The couple hadn't been happy for years. They barely spoke. That was why Chuck could be in that room. He wasn't burying his wife. He was burying a stranger.

Cas slowly walked back to his room. He wanted to be alone, but Balthazar was still there. In fact, he hadn't moved at all. Not for the first time, Cas wished he didn't have more siblings than rooms in his house. He wished he had an ounce of privacy.

"You gonna be okay Cas?" Balthazar asked upon his reentry.

Cas shook his head. He had lost his best friend. He was barely functioning. He felt like he would never be 'okay' again. He thought about all the pills that would be left, unused, in his parents' medicine cabinet. He thought about his tie for church. He thought about Balthazar's pocket knife. Wouldn't that be better than a lifetime of nowhere near 'okay'?

"Come 'ere little brother," Balthazar said, opening his arms like Gabriel had when Cas had scraped his knee as a little kid. He sat next to Balthazar on the bed, and let those arms wrap around him lovingly. He wrapped his own arms around Balthazar, digging his face into the shoulder of his brother's thin, grey, low-cut t-shirt. The feeling of Balthazar's muscles moving under his skin reminded Cas of how strong he was, and the younger of the two felt protected, shielded by his brother's body. And when he inhaled the distinct scent of Balthazar's cologne, it sent him over the edge. He cried into his brother's shoulder- almost shamelessly. Balthazar rubbed Cas's back soothingly, making Cas feel both worse and better at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Balthazar. I'm so sorry."

"'S okay little brother. This is tough for all of us."

"I know," Cas mumbled. He was being so selfish. The family didn't need another dead body.

 

Two days after Celeste died, Cas went back to school and he knew what to expect from his friends. They would continue to tiptoe around anything that could trigger him like everyone else in his life had been since he tried to kill himself, but now they would do something much worse. They would pity him. He didn't know what to expect from his bullies. Would they let up? Would they go harder? They probably didn't even know. Whatever the case, it would be better than staying home where everyone was the same: absolutely and seemingly incurably depressed.

He saw Garth first. He tried to hug Cas, but Cas flinched away so he gave up on that and settled for words.

"I am so sorry, man. Let me know if there's anything I can do."

Treat me like you used to, Cas thought, like a normal human being not like some delicate vase to be handled with care.

They ran into Jody next. She also tried to hug him, but Cas looked away, and she stopped her approach.

"Cas, I know this is tough, I'm here for you."

Finally, Cas (and Garth and Jody) found Charlie. Charlie was almost three years younger than the other three, but she was so smart that she kept skipping grades. She was the only one Cas really wanted to see. Charlie knew what Cas was going through- at least, more that anyone else did. She didn't _try_ to hug him. She really didn't give him a choice. She wrapped her arms around him and said nothing. She knew, there was nothing to be said.

Charlie's parents had been in a car crash when she was very young. Her dad died, and her mother had been in a coma since. It wasn't something she liked to talk about, but one day, when she and Cas had been alone and Cas's mom had just fallen ill, she told him about it. That was the day she told him she liked girls, too, and thanked Cas for being openly gay, something she didn't have the courage to do. And why should she? Being gay got Cas beat up, almost on a daily basis.

Throughout the rest of the day, Cas discovered something. _Everyone_ knew. And everyone treated him differently. He felt like he had when he had first come back to school after he tired to kill himself. Ruby, the lesser of the evils, looked at him like some kind of bomb that was about to explode as she passed him in the halls. Lilith and Alistair, a team, halfheartedly spat insults at him when they saw him, but nothing like they had been. Even people he had no relationship with whatsoever looked at him weird when they passed him, or in class. The teachers didn't call on him when he raised his hand. The lunch lady, who he had occasionally engaged in small chat with, smiled at him apologetically. The only person who treated him the same after Cas attempted suicide was the only person whose behavior he'd wanted to change: Crowley. The son of a bitch who was responsible for every black eye he'd gotten in his life.

It wasn't entirely true to say that Crowley treated him the same, actually. He used the events of the recent past against Cas, so if anything, Crowley was more encouraged than ever. That first day back, only two days after his mother had died, Cas got the beating of his life. He knew what his mother would do, if she were still alive. She would hug him and comfort him and promise to put a stop to the torture. She would tell him how precious he was to her and how he deserved the very best. But his mom wasn't alive anymore. And his dad would tell him to man up and stop the abuse himself. If he even noticed.

Chuck never got the chance to notice. When Cas got home, he was gone. That wasn't a big surprise, really, he was probably at work or working on Celeste's funeral. But for the first time since his little sisters and Samandriel were born, Cas was alone in the house. This surprised him. He had no idea where they could be, since their school got out an hour before Cas's. Balthazar, Gabriel and Micheal were probably out doing something with friends, but all of the younger siblings but Rachel were too young to be out with friends alone. This mystery solved itself, however, when the phone rang.

"Hello?" Cas asked. Who would be calling? Chuck? Insurance? 

"Charles Novak get your ass down to the school and pick up your children!" came the hushed, but obviously angry voice of a woman.

"This isn't... This is Cas. Are my sisters-"

"Oh, Cas I'm so sorry, it's me, Ellen. Look, could you get your dad?"

Ellen was the mother of one of Hester's friends, Jo. Cas liked her quite a bit, but had never heard her angry.

"I don't know where Dad is. I got home five minutes ago and no one's here. Are the girls and Sam still at school?" Rachel wasn't going to the elementary school anymore, but she walked there after school so Chuck only had to stop once to get his kids. The older boys walked home everyday, unless one of them got Micheal to lend them the car. 

"That son of a bitch. They're still here. I said I'd wait with them since no one else is here. I'll take 'em home. See you in a few."

"Thanks, Ellen."

He hung up. What the hell was Chuck's problem? Leaving his kids at school for more than an hour and a half! What would've happened if Ellen hadn't been there? Cas decided he was going to have to talk to Chuck when he got home. It wasn't Cas's place, he knew, but the man needed to be a parent. The girls and Sam had lost a mother, he'd lost a babysitter.

By the time Ellen pulled up, Chuck still wasn't home. Cas was beginning to worry. What the hell had happened to him? Cas answered the door when Ellen knocked, but was caught off guard when she swooped him up in a rib crushing hug. Hester, Rachael and Samandriel rushed past her, heading for their room. Jo followed.

"I'm gonna miss Celeste somethin' fierce," she said.

"Yeah, me too," Cas grunted.

"Now," she continued, letting Cas go, "Where is that worthless excuse for a man you happen to call a father?"

"I- I don't know. He's still not home. Hasn't called. Nothing. Michael came home a couple minutes ago, he hasn't seen him either."

Ellen looked past Cas, at something only she could see. "God dammit," she whispered. Then, she looked back at Cas. "I'll make you kids dinner tonight," she said.

"Oh, Ellen, you've done enough already. If dad doesn't come home, I'll make something. Michael will help. You go home. You've got-"

"I've got Jo. And from the looks of it, she's not leavin' 'til God knows when. It's okay, Cas. It's my pleasure. You know I love to cook."

"Thank you, Ellen. You're a life saver."

She smiled, "I know."

As Cas walked back to his room, he thought Ellen's offer. She'd never offered too cook dinner when she'd brought the girls and Sam home before. Not even when their mom had been at the hospital. She hated cooking, Jo said she usually just bought TV dinners or ordered delivery. By offering now, was Ellen implying that their dad wouldn't be coming home? Chuck had been late before. Did Ellen think that this time, Chuck wouldn't come home? All this went through his mind as he was walking to his and Balthazar's room.

When he got there, he collapsed on his bed. Balthazar was still out, and Cas had the privacy he had so wanted just a week earlier. Now, he wanted someone to talk to. 

He sighed and looked to the side. His backpack was on the floor by the door. It contained the metric shit ton of homework he was supposed to get done before school the next day.  
I should do that, he thought. He _thought_ about getting up and dragging his backpack over to his bed. He _t_ _hought_ about writing responses in complete sentences. He _thought_ about writing problems out in the margins of his paper. But he didn't move. He just turned his head and looked back at the ceiling.

The phone rang. He _thought_ about getting up and walking into the living room. He _thought_ about picking up the phone. He _thought_ about talking to whoever was on the other line. But he didn't move. He just continued to stare at the ceiling. Cas heard Ellen answer in the kitchen. He heard her explain who she was. And finally, he heard her yell his name.

"Castiel! It's for you!"

Finally, he got up. When he got to the kitchen, Ellen held the phone out to him. He smiled when he saw her situation. There was pasta about to boil over in a pot much too small for it's contents. She seemed to have a package-worth of ground beef in a pan next to the pasta pot that was no where near being cooked. He too the phone from her quickly so she could get back to cooking. Or whatever she was doing.

"Hello?" he said into the receiver as began to walk back to his room.

"Hey, Cas, it's Garth. How you doin'?"

"Oh, hey Garth. What's up?" he avoided the question because he really didn't have a good answer.

"I was calling to see if you were goin' on some kinda trip or somethin' 'cause I just saw Chuck's car go on by my house and it was full of crap-"

"Chuck just drove by?" Garth lived right on the outskirts of town. What the hell was Chuck doing there? "Which way was he going?"

"Out, obviously or I wouldn't ask if y'all were leavin'!"

"That son of a bitch."

"Sorry?"  
"He left the girls and Sam at school. Ellen Harvelle had to pick them up. He hasn't been home since I got here. I expected him to be out at some bar but leaving... What a deadbeat. Does he think he can just leave us-"

"Whoa, whoa, Cas your dad wouldn't just leave you alone. I mean he's your dad. Your pop. Your ol' man!"

"Don't think that means anything to him. We've got Michael. He expects Michael to take over his job. That's so unfair... Michael needs to get the hell out of here, not play dad."

"C'mon Cas, you don't actually think your dad would just leave?"

Cas's silence told Garth that yes, he did think that. His opinion of his father was that low.

"Hey, I gotta go buddy. I'll call you after."

"Okay, Garth. Thanks."

"No porblemo. Hope your dad comes back soon. Say hi to Ellen for me."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Cas clicked the red button on the phone and silently lowered it to his lap. He was leaving. That son of a bitch. That fucking asshole. What kind of father would just abandon his family right after his wife died? Just because Michael was eighteen didn't mean he was ready to lead the family after such a tragedy. It wasn't Michael's job, regardless of his age, to lead the family. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've set this in Santa Cruz, California because it's where I was born. It truly is my happy place. The only place I've actually felt at home.

Cas awoke to a song he didn't recognize at all. Balthazar was already out of bed, which was weird. Cas didn't remember much after the phone call from Garth. He remembered taking the phone back into the kitchen, thanking Ellen again, and lying back down on his bed. He must have fallen asleep. But what was Balthazar doing up before the alarm?

"Morning Sleeping Beauty," he said hurriedly as he packed something into his backpack. He hadn't even looked at Cas.

"What... What are you doing?" Cas asked groggily.

Balthazar turned around, "You should have called me, Cas. I was just fucking around with the guys, I could have come straight home," he was more serious than Cas had ever seen him. What was going on?

"What are you talking about?"

"Dad didn't pick the girls and Sam up yesterday, I came home, Ellen was cooking dinner and you were passed out! Dad still hasn't come home! I can only assume he left. Michael is in a full panic and I don't think Gabriel slept twenty minutes last night. Hell- I don't think anyone but you did."

Cas sat up in his bed, "Dad didn't come home at all?" he asked. Cas hadn't really believed the son of a bitch would just walk out on his family, but at this point he didn't really have a choice.

Balthazar shook his head, "Ellen and Jo stayed over last night. We tried to tell Ellen it was too much but she insisted. She said she's going to take the girls and Sam to school today- we're going to have to walk- but she can't do that every day, Cas, she just can't. Dad took the CRV, all we've got left is the fucking Continental and I'm still waiting on my permit... I don't know what we're going to do. Michael... Michael wanted to move out, Cas. What the hell are we going to do?"

"That son of a bitch!" Cas exclaimed.

"Listen, Cas, I might come home a little late today. I- I've just got to get some air. Just call me if anything happens okay?" Balthazar said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder, he knew Cas would be home before him, "I'll be at school," he said as he walked out of the bedroom door. Cas knew he was just going to get high with his friends, that's what he always did in tough situations, but it made him a little angry. Balthazar would be the first one to run out as soon as taking care of the younger siblings was involved. He said goodbye to Ellen as he walked out the front door.

Cas collapsed back on his bed. He felt ill. He didn't want to get up and get ready for school. He didn't want to leave his room. Ever again. He shook his head in an attempt to get himself out of that mindset. He had to make sure everyone was okay. He swung his feet off the bed and stood slowly. He found a pair of clean-looking jeans that seemed to be his on the floor, and pulled them on and did the same with a white shirt. He composed himself, and walked out the door.

Ellen was in the kitchen, madly whipping up what seemed to be some sort of breakfast.

"Oh, Ellen, you don't need to do that, we usually just grab some toast or something on the way out the door," Cas said apologetically. Ellen had done so much already.

"That's okay, sweetie," she said, turning to look at Cas, "You kids deserve what I can give you."

Cas smiled at her, "Thank you. Is anyone else up?"

"Balthazar just walked out the door and Gabriel and Michael are fussing over something in their room but that's it."

Cas rubbed his face, "Alright. Thanks." Rachael, Hester and Samandriel had a ride to school. Michael and Gabriel wouldn't need prodding from their little brother, they were probably up to something much more important. It looked like Cas would be walking to school alone. That meant he should start getting ready. He walked into his room and zipped up the shoulder bag he used for his books. He didn't check to make sure everything he needed was in it, he hadn't done his homework anyway. Cas walked into the bathroom, shoulder bag in tow, brushed his teeth and ran a comb through his hair. It was pointless, though, since his hair stuck up in all sorts of directions defiantly. He gave up on his hair and walked out into the living room. He was planning on walking straight out the door, but Ellen stopped him.

"Cas, why don't you have some breakfast?"

"Thank you, Ellen, but I really have to go. I have to walk to school and I-"

"I'll drive you. Have some breakfast."

"I'll have some at school," Cas assured her, "Thank you. Have a great day!" he rushed out the door before Ellen could protest again. Cas felt like, if he tried to eat, he would vomit. After thinking about it, though, he realized hadn't eaten in a few days. That couldn't be healthy. He wished his mom was there to talk to. After he walked for five minutes or so, Cas passed by a cute little coffee shop.

 _I could get something to eat there,_ he thought to himself. _Maybe some coffee too,_ he thought as he yawned.

A little bell rang as Cas opened the door to the little shop. There was one medium sized room for customers, a counter, and a door behind the counter that obviously led to a kitchen. Walls were painted a calming blue, and there was an ocean wave painted on one of them. There were five or six tables around the room, each with two to four chairs around them, and a couch in the middle of the room with a coffee table in front of it. There was a woman in what looked like gym clothes curled up on the couch with a computer on her lap and three of the tables were occupied. One by a man with a cup of coffee and a newspaper, one by a couple who were flirting over some scones and coffee, and one by a group of friends- or family- chatting softly over their breakfast items. The low chatter, the sound of a keyboard being used, and the soft sound of paper rustling hit Cas with an overwhelming sense of home, although his home was nothing like this.. The coffee shop smelled like coffee and baked goods, and the feel of the place was very pleasant. Castiel was happier the moment he stepped in.

He walked up to the counter and inspected the food items on display. The muffins looked appetizing, he decided as a short woman, not much older than him, with long black hair and two lip rings walked out of the kitchen. She had a little bit of makeup on, but nothing too intense. She had choppy "flippy" bangs and the whole thing looked good on her. She wore a faded red denim apron over a red and blue flannel. A name tag lay on her breast that read "Eileah" in loopy handwriting. There was a heart over the I. She smiled at Cas and he couldn't help but smile back. A real, genuine smile signifying he was actually happy. He hadn't really smiled since his mother died.

"How can I help you?" Eileah asked, clicking a pen and leaning down on the counter so she could write on a little pad of paper she'd pulled out of her apron.

"Could I get one of your chocolate chip muffins and uh..." he hadn't even looked at the coffee menu yet. There was probably a hundred items with silly names and- no, there were three items: small medium and large. Beside that there was an add-on menu and beside that, a hot food menu, "Just a small coffee," he said, checking the price.

Eileah scribbled down his order in slightly less neat loopy handwriting and looked back up and him, "That it?" she asked.

"Yeah."

Eileah tapped up the total in the register on the counter. She told him the result and handed him the receipt when he payed. After that, she reached down into the display of food, and selected a muffin for her customer. She placed it on a small white plate with a napkin and promised his coffee would be ready soon. Cas smiled again, because it felt so good, and thanked her. Then, he took the plate and began looking for a seat. Everyone was spread out enough that there was a table in between every two, and Cas couldn't sit at any of them without risk of overhearing someone's conversation- or feeling like a creep in the case of the newspaper man. So, he walked up to the couch with his little plate.

"Hey, do you mind if I sit here?" Cas asked the woman occupying the other end of the couch. The couch was brown leather, and easily able to fit four people. The woman already on the couch was huddled against one armrest. She looked up from her laptop, smiled, and shook her head. So Cas sat and began to dig in to his muffin. Not two minutes later, Eileah emerged from the kitchen and walked over to the coffee table with a porcelain mug of coffee.

"Oh- Thank you," Cas said, surprised she brought it right to him. She smiled and walked back into the kitchen. A few minutes into his muffin, the woman next to him closed her laptop with an exasperated sigh. She started straight ahead for a while, then looked at Cas who was minding his own business- and his surprisingly good muffin.

"My name's Lisa," she said, looking at Cas.

"Mmf," Cas began with a mouthful of muffin. He promptly covered his mouth, chewed and swallowed. Lisa was giggling at him. "I'm Cas," he said finally, trying not to blush.  
It seemed to be taking all Lisa had not to burst out laughing in the relatively quiet shop.

"Oh God," she breathed, trying to calm herself down. Cas didn't see how it had been that funny, but Lisa's laughing was contagious and a smile quickly spread across his face. She had long dark hair, relatively dark skin, and a smile that seemed to light up the room. She was beautiful.

"Hello Cas," she said once she had composed herself.

"Hello."

"How are you this morning?"

Cas took a deep breath. How was he? Since he'd walked into the coffee shop he'd been happy, but before that... a whole range of emotions. It felt as if words couldn't describe. "You have no idea how complicated the answer to that question is," he answered, somehow still smiling. 

Lisa chuckled, "That can't be good."

"It has been since I walked in here," Cas said, looking around the shop. His eyes landed on the mural of an ocean wave. It wasn't an odd thing to see in the middle of Santa Cruz, but something about it was different. Lisa didn't speak for a moment, so Cas looked back at her. "God that sounded cheesy," he said, almost sending Lisa into another fit of giggles. "It's true though!" he continued, "I was having such a shitty morning and I walked in here and... I don't know, it's so homey you know?"

Lisa stopped giggling, but kept smiling and nodded like she knew exactly what Cas was talking about, "I come here every morning. It's my own method of self care. I've gotten to know the staff and some of the customers. Typically nice people find their way in here."

"You come here every morning?" Cas looked at the time on his phone, 7:15, he should really leave, he was going to be late to school. He did the math, and decided someone could easily spend time here every morning and get downtown to a nine to five job.

Lisa nodded.

"Do you work in town then?" Cas asked.

"I work from home," Lisa responded, "On my computer," she gestured to the casually thrown aside laptop.

"Oh," Cas said, consuming a chunk of muffin. "What do you do? If you don't mind me asking?"

"I'm a writer," Lisa said, her grin widening. She seemed like one of those people who loved talking about their work, "I write articles for a local newspaper and I'm writing a novel."

"Was that what was behind the exasperated sigh and closing of the computer? Writer's block?"

Lisa chuckled again, "Yeah. Exactly."

Cas reached down and took a sip of his coffee. It was good. Very plain, but good. He would have to take a look at the add-on menu next time. He loved how he was already planning a next time. He wasn't really used to planning for the future. Usually he just considered himself lucky if he got through the day without causing himself any physical harm. Or, if he was really lucky, not having any physical harm caused to him by others.

"So what do you do, Cas?" Lisa asked, obviously intent on keeping the conversation going.

This time, Cas chuckled, "I'm a sophomore in high school."

Lisa's eyes widened and she laughed, "No way!"

Cas shrugged, still smiling. He hadn't really stopped smiling since he walked in, the smile had just got wider and wider.

"Forgive me," Lisa said, "You seem so much more mature than that!"

"Thank you," Cas said, though his smile started to fade. He knew why he seemed mature. He seemed mature because he had to be. Because he'd lost his mom and his dad has just walked out and because even before that, sometimes it seemed like he'd had to take care of his younger siblings.

"I'm sorry, have I said something to upset you?" Lisa asked. Her smile had also faded, but Cas knew it was because of him. He thought about how sweet of her it was to care that much about a smile fading from his face. A boy she'd never even met before. He realized then that she had been treating Cas the way no one did anymore, like a normal person. That put the smile right back on his face.

"No," he assured her, "It's just been a tough week."

"I'm sorry Cas," she said, smiling again with him, "Anything you need to talk about?"

Cas gave her a questioning look.

"I know, I don't really know you, but sometimes it's nice to talk to someone you barely know, someone you never have to see again, because they won't judge you based on anything besides what you tell them and you don't really ever have to see them again if you don't want to. I know that my sophomore year of high school was no fun at all and I would have loved someone to talk to."

"I used to have someone to talk to," Cas said quietly, the smile completely leaving his face.

"What happened?"

Cas looked up and Lisa. He was going to tell her. He was going to tell her everything because she was right, even if she stopped treating him like a normal human being, he never had to see her again, "It was my mom," he said, "she died."

 

  
Lisa listened to every word, but did not speak. Castiel knew, she was trying not to interrupt, but it made it seem like she _wasn't_ listening. Cas left out certain details. Although he truly felt like he could trust Lisa with everything, something in the more reasonable part of his mind told him not to. He left out Charlie and he left out his suicide attempt- he didn't want her to start treating him like something fragile- he left out Michael wanting to leave and he left Samandriel out altogether. It took him much longer than he expected, especially given the lack of _dia_ log and the ignored details. When Cas looked at his phone again, it was 7:55. His first class had started. But he had no urge to get up and leave. He wanted to stay and talk to Lisa. He wanted to hear her story and he wanted to know what newspaper she wrote for and he wanted to know the plot of her novel. He wanted to stay in the little coffee shop all day and come back tomorrow and do the same thing.

"I'm sorry, Cas. You don't deserve that," she said when he finished.

"You don't know. Maybe I do."

"Like I said, generally assholes don't walk in here. And generally assholes aren't this easy to talk to. Generally, an asshole would go for one of the tables," she gestured around the room. The couple and newspaper man had gone. The table where the couple had been sitting was now occupied by a young man with sandy brown, almost-blond hair. He was wearing a leather jacket that was obviously too big for him, a red and black plaid flannel under that, and a black shirt. The young man was absentmindedly looking out the window. While Cas was watching, Eileah walked up to the young man with a cup of coffee just larger than Cas's. Dean looked up at her with a smile brighter than the sun as he accepted his coffee. They chatted for a few seconds, the young man winked, and Eileah walked away smiling but shaking her head.

Lisa noticed who Cas was looking at. "That's Dean. He's the exception to the asshole rule," she said.

"He's an asshole?"

She took a deep breath, "He's... yeah he's an asshole."

Cas chuckled, "Does he come here often?" he was still looking at Dean. There was something strange about him, mysterious and extremely attractive.

"Almost every day," Lisa answered.

"Hmm," Cas hummed.

"He's ridiculously flirtations. The first thing he did when I met him was try to pick me up."

Cas furrowed his brow, Dean didn't look much older than he, "Is he-"

"No. He's like fifteen. Maybe sixteen."

A smile began to grow again on Cas's lips and he laughed a little. 

It took Lisa a few seconds to realize what Cas was thinking, "No! Cas, no!"

"He's cute," Cas said softly. "He's got nice eyes."

"And perfect lips and just the right amount of freckles," she teased. "And no. Just no." despite what she was saying, Lisa was laughing, "Don't do it Cas!"

Cas looked back at Lisa, "Is he straight?"

Lisa took a deep breath, the smile still had not left her face, "He's... well I've seen him flirt with almost everyone to walk in that door. Men included."

Cas looked back at Dean and nodded.

"Cas, I'm telling you. Don't," her voice still held a hint of a smile, but it was much more sober than it had been a few seconds earlier. "He's a dick."

"Is he really that bad?" Cas asked. Talking to Lisa was like talking to Jody or Charlie had been before they'd started treating him different. He liked Lisa quite a bit, she didn't try to treat him like a kid, and she didn't try to treat him like a fragile piece of pottery after hearing (most of) his story. He'd known Lisa for an hour and he felt like he'd known her a year. If she really thought Dean was that bad, Cas would believe her. Not that he was going to do anything about it anyway, he was way to shy. Although, talking to Lisa and the general feel of the little shop had given him a bit of a confidence boost. He knew it would diminish as soon as he walked out the door.

"If you can get past the initial layer of cockiness, I'm sure he's fine," she said quietly. It was as if she was almost okay with other people hearing her call Dean a dick, but not with her saying he was okay. "but it's one hell of a layer."

Cas smiled wider. Dean was still staring out the window. Cas found himself wondering what he was thinking about. He found himself wishing he had the courage to go over and talk to him, to ask what he was thinking about. Then, Cas found himself wishing something else. Something that surprised him, considering he had never spoken to Dean before, and had wished such things so few times before.

"You're ridiculous."

Cas looked back at Lisa, "You're right. I wouldn't stand a chance. Look at him. Even if I wasn't the one person on earth he didn't flirt with, he'd ditch me in the first five minutes."

"Oh shut up! Before I make you go over there."

Cas chuckled.

"I'm serious Cas. You keep talking yourself down but you're a nice guy. And- I feel kinda like a pedophile saying this but you're cute too! Downright hot. Dean Winchester would be all over you," her voice was still hushed. Everyone's was. There was a quiet echolalia about the cafe. People were speaking, the cafe was by no means silent, but even if you tried, you would not be able to overhear anyone's conversation. Everyone was speaking in the same hushed tone, as if in a library. The sound of other voices was comforting, it let Cas know he wasn't alone, but the inaudibility of it all was nicer still. There was no way he was going to hear something he wasn't supposed to, and if he kept speaking in the same tone, no one was going to eavesdrop.

"Thanks, Lisa. I was just joking. I mean, I don't have the confidence to... I would never get close enough for him to notice me."

Lisa rolled her eyes and reached for her laptop, "Whatever," she said as she opened it. "He's probably noticed you already."

"Please, he hasn't even looked this way. Do you want me to leave?" Cas asked, remembering she worked on the computer.

Lisa looked up, "What? Oh- no, you're fine. I just got in a fight with the website earlier..." her sentence drifted away as she peered into her screen. Her lips moved silently as she read whatever was on it. Finally, she closed her eyes and sighed, "I just wanted to see if it would work now." She closed the computer again, "It won't."

Cas grinned, "Okay," he said skeptically.

"Wait- shouldn't you be at school or... something?" Lisa asked, shifting her attention back to Cas.

Cas pulled his phone out again. He raised his eyebrows when he saw what time it was. Twenty minutes passed so quickly in the little shop. He'd finished his muffin and coffee a while ago, he should really order something else.

"Shit. Well the first bell rings at seven twenty-five so yes. I should be at school," he laughed a little, "I'm ditching school," he looked back at Lisa and stuffed his phone back into his pocket, "I'm a straight A student. I never skip school. If my mother were here she'd kick my ass."

Lisa developed a sympathetic expression, as if she thought the very mention of Celeste would send Cas hurtling into a deep abyss of depression, and there it was. Lisa was acting like he was fragile, and she didn't even know about the pills. For the first time since it had appeared on his face that morning, the smile left Cas's body completely. Lips, eyes and heart. He looked at the coffee table and wondered if it was time to leave.

"Don't do that," he said softly.

"Do what?" Lisa asked.

 _She didn't even realize she was doing it_ , Cas thought miserably. "The sympathy, the pity. I'm not... I'm not fragile."

"Of course," Lisa said quickly, "I'm sorry. I don't think you're fragile."

Cas flashed her a smile but it wasn't real. It wasn't like the one that had disappeared.

"I think I'd better get going," he said softly. Any thoughts of talking to Dean, who was back to looking absentmindedly out the window, had left his mind.

"Where are you going to go? To school?"

"No. First period may as well be over. I don't really want to deal with Crowley's shit today anyway. I'll just walk around town. I'll go home a while after Ellen leaves. If she ever does," Cas chuckled

Lisa smiled apologetically again, "Alright. Stay out of trouble, okay?"

Cas smiled back, "Of course." He stood, and began to gather his things.

"Wait-" Lisa stopped him, "Do you have money?"

Thinking she was asking for some, Cas shoved his hands deep into his pockets, but could only produce two dollar bills and a bunch of change, "I'm sorry, I don't."

"I didn't think so," Lisa said softly as she pulled out her wallet. She looked through it for a second, then pulled out a bill and extended her arm towards Cas like she wanted him to take it.

"What? No, Lisa I just met you, I can't take your money!"

Lisa furrowed her brow, "Why not? Cas, I'm not going to let you wander around the city with no money. What if you see something you can't live without? Or get hungry?"

"I can't-"

"Take the fucking money Cas. You can pay me back later. Just promise me you'll come back," there was a glint in Lisa's eye that told Cas that she knew things, even things he had not told her.

He took the bill she was still holding out and stuffed it into his pocket without looking at it, "Thank you," he said softly and sincerely.

"You're welcome. I'll see you around Cas."

"See you around." Cas stole one last look at Dean Winchester before walking out of the cafe, the bell jingling behind him.

 

  
As soon as Cas walked back out into the real world, he felt different. The morning air was still a little too cold for comfort, although it was nice by any standards but those of Santa Cruz, and the people in the streets seemed sad and closed off, although _they_ were nice by any standards but those of Santa Cruz. As soon as Cas walked out the door, he wanted to walk right back in. He wanted to order something else and sit back down with Lisa and talk to Dean Winchester and stay there all day. But he'd said he was leaving, and it would be weird to walk right back in, so he started walking down the street.

It was weird, not having somewhere to be. Castiel had never really had the chance to just walk around town before, whenever he did, he was going somewhere, usually with friends. Now he was alone, and had nowhere to go.

He had all day, so he decided to walk by the Beach Boardwalk. He wouldn't go in, admission free as it was, but it was always nice to see all of the rides, to smell the bakeries and fast food places, to see children walking out with massive grins on their faces, or the younger ones being carried along with the bag of salt water taffy, their heads bouncing on their parents shoulders, just on the edge of sleep. Cas enjoyed the couples drifting in and out, and he enjoyed the groups of friends just having a good time. He had been all of these people- besides the couples- and he felt their joy when he saw them. It always put a sad smile on his face. It always reminded him of his mom, even when she was still alive.

Cas didn't enjoy walking by the Boardwalk this time, though. All he saw was other people who were happier than he. So he walked by quickly and tried to ignore the screams and shrieks of joy. He tried to hold his breath as to not smell the ocean and the sunscreen and the food. He averted his eyes as he passed by the entrance/exit. He even almost ran into some bliss filled teenagers. The place was surprisingly busy for a school day. Some schools must already be out for summer. Surprised by this sudden hatred, he quickly walked by. But not quickly enough.

"Cas?" a familiar voice called. But it wasn't one of the people coming out, it was someone past the entrance arch. Cas turned his head and almost smiled.

"Charlie?" he'd forgotten it was her birthday. She must have taken the day off school. She waved her arms in a summoning motion. Cas walked through the gates for the first time since his mom had taken the kids before Hester had been born.

Charlie ran up to Cas when he was about halfway to her. She hit Cas like a bus and wrapped her arms around him.

"Hey," Cas grumbled, she was squeezing too tight for him to really speak, "Happy birthday."

"What the hell are you doing here?" she demanded when she finally released him.

"Well I... I was just... walking by. I had no idea-"

"Oh my God, Cas are you ditching?"

Cas chuckled at her surprise, "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Who are you and what have you done with Castiel?"

Cas's half smile faded, "My dad left last night," he said. He didn't want to dump his problems on Charlie on her birthday, but he felt like he needed to tell someone who knew what that meant to him.

"Like on a vacation or..." she asked hopefully.

Cas shook his head, "He didn't tell anyone. He left the girls and Sam at school. Garth called because he saw him hauling ass out of town. I was planning on going to school today, I was, but it just didn't work out that way."

Charlie sighed and hugged Cas again, "I'm sorry man that sucks. If I ever see Chuck again I'm going to kick his ass."

Cas smiled, although it was a sad smile, "I hope for his sake you never do."

"Oh my God, Cas, you should totally spend the day with us! My friend-"

"Charlie that's really sweet but I don't have any money and..." Cas didn't know why he was denying the invitation. He just didn't want to stay at the boardwalk.  
"We can pay for you! I really want you to meet-"

Cas smiled his sad smile again, "That's okay, Charlie. I think I'm just gonna go home."

Charlie smiled back, her's also sad. Cas felt bad for making her said on her birthday, he wanted to get out before he made it worse. Charlie forced him into another rib crushing hug.

"Take it easy Cas," she said sweetly.

"Thanks Charlie. Have a great day. Happy birthday!" Cas turned around and began to walk away. Before he was out of earshot, though, he heard a deep voice. He knew that the owner of the voice was not talking to him, but the voice rumbled through the air in a way that made the sound itself attractive.

"Hey kiddo," it said.

Cas turned, curious to see who's it had been. Someone else was with Charlie, now. Someone with their back to Cas, hugging the small girl, wearing a strangely familiar distressed leather jacket that went about to the backs if their knees, with the collar turned up. Cas furrowed his brow, where had he seen that jacket before?

"Happy birthday Charlie." The voice was that of the person in the jacket. There was no one else it could belong to. Finally, the leather jacket-clad person- man judging by the short sandy brown hair- turned so Cas could get a profile view of his face.

Cas gasped. It was Dean Winchester. It was the scary attractive man from the cafe. He knew Charlie? Cas blushed and turned quickly, not wanting Charlie to realize he was still there and call him over. He started walking towards the exit quickly, but not quickly enough.

"Cas! C'mere there's someone I want you to meet!" he heard Charlie call. He felt bad, he did, but he ignored her. He ignored her and walked out the gate. He probably wouldn't even be able capable of talking to Dean.

 _Oh God,_ Cas thought, _I've seen the guy twice- never even talked to him- and I have a crush on him. Because that is_ totally _something I can deal with right now._

Cas shook his head and kept walking. Once he was out of earshot of the various sounds of the boardwalk, Cas pulled out his phone and checked the time.

9:15

It was going to be a very long day.


	5. Chapter 5

Michael and Gabriel's immediate response to Chuck's leaving was to pretend, to the public at least, that noting had nothing happened. They got that from their father. Because of this, the memorial service was held, as planned by Chuck, a week after his semi-mysterious disappearance. This was a Saturday.

Castiel had been forced into a suit. He wore a thin blue tie with it. He had gotten Balthazar to help him get it on, and the son of a bitch had put it on backwards, but he said as long as Cas kept his jacket buttoned up it should be okay. The two had had so much trouble getting to that point, they really didn't want to start over. Michael had insisted Cas wear a trench coat over his clothes to keep them clean, and it was a cold morning, so he was glad he did. The trench coat had stayed at the door, though.

Cas zoned out for most of the service, it was just rubbing salt on the wound, but he thought a lot about his mom, and found himself wiping tears slowly from his cheeks throughout the whole thing. Once it was finally over, Cas knew exactly where he wanted to go, and he cursed himself for not having any money on him. He looked around for Michael, Gabriel, or someone who could possibly be pestered for money. He spotted Michael first, but he was with a group of family members, talking.

Gabriel was sitting in one of the benches that lined the large room. He had his arms wrapped around Hester, who was crying. Cas walked over to him. By the time he and Hester separated, Cas was a few feet away.

"Hey Cas," he said softly. It was weird to see Gabriel so serious. Even since Celeste died, Gabriel was always trying to cheer everyone up, "What's up?"

"Can I- uh-" he hated asking for money. Especially from his brothers, "Can I have some money? Sorry, I forgot to grab some," he looked away.

"What for?"

"I was gonna go get something to eat."

Gabriel looked around, "There's food here."

"I..." Cas started, but he didn't have a good reason. He just looked into Gabriel's eyes and tried to convey his desperation to get out of the building. The only thing there was sad people doing sad things. Cas'd had enough sad, he didn't need to see other people who were sad for the same reason, he needed to forget that reason.

Gabriel must have gotten this, "Sure," he said, and dug into his pocket. He produced a twenty. "This is all I have. Bring me my change okay?"

Cas nodded, "Thank you, Gabriel."

"No problem little bro." The words sounded odd without a hint of humor, or even a smile.

Castiel practically ran out of the building, grabbing his coat as he went. Once he was on the street, he did run, but only for about a minute, because by then he was far away from all of the people in black meandering the streets, casting a melancholy shadow on the innocent people who had nothing to do with Celeste Novak. And on Cas.

Once he stopped running, he took a minute to orient himself. He remembered passing his coffee shop in the car on the way to the church, but he didn't remember how far it had been. The church itself was only about a twenty minute walk from the Novak house (Michael had insisted they pile into the old Continental to keep their clothes looking nice) so Cas decided to walk home, since his coffee shop was only a few minutes walk from his house.

Further from his house than he thought, though, since he reached the little coffee shop in about ten minutes. He stormed in the door, but stopped as soon as he entered, and took in the feeling of the place once again. He breathed in the scent of baked goods and hummed at the pleasing smell. He immediately looked to the couch, but Lisa wasn't there. It was almost ten, she probably went home. The next place he looked was the counter. Eileah was there again. She recognized him from before, and waved.

Cas let a smile settle on his face as he walked up to the counter and told her his order. He sat at one of the tables, back to the front door (another way of keeping the outside world away from him) with his chocolate muffin, took off his coat, draped it over the chair, and waited contently for his coffee. Just as he began to dig into his muffin, though, someone sat down in the chair opposite him. Cas looked up, expecting to one of his friends but it was not Charlie or Garth or even Lisa sitting at his table. It was Dean Winchester. Cas was suddenly extremely aware of his wind blown hair, of his open suit jacket, unbuttoned during his walk, revealing his backwards tie, and of his eyes, bloodshot from crying. Cas licked his lips subconsciously and put the chunk of muffin he had been raising to eat back on the little plate.

That was when Eileah came by with Cas's coffee.

"Thank you," Cas mumbled.

Eileah smiled, "Mornin' Dean. Usual?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

Cas bit his lip. Dean's voice... it was... luscious.

Dean fished a five out of his pocket and handed it to Eileah, "Keep the change."

Eileah smiled at him, turned, and walked back to the kitchen.

"How's your muffin?" Dean asked after thirty seconds of painfully awkward silence.

"It's- uh... It's chocolatey," Cas's eyes widened and he blushed at his idiocy, "I mean- I assume. I- I don't know actually I haven't started eating yet..." Cas hid his face in his hands.

Dean chuckled, "Alright. Just makin' small talk."

"Yeah," Cas said to his hands.

"Do you mind?" Dean asked. Cas looked through his fingers and saw Dean reaching towards his muffin. He shook his head and removed his hands from his face. Then, he wrapped them around the warm coffee mug, just to give them something to do.

"Mmm," Dean said, his eyebrows moved up and back down once rapidly, "Chocolately."

Cas blushed, groaned and looked out the window which was, mercifully, right next to him.

"This place sure does have good food," Dean said, trying to save Cas from his embarrassment, "Scones are great too," he was licking his fingers now, as if he was trying to get Cas to shiver. He was surprised to find himself wishing he was the one licking those fingers, "What they really do best though," Dean began, looking at the kitchen door just as Eileah walked out of it with a small plate, "is pie!" he grinned down at the plate she placed in front of him, it bore a messy piece of cherry pie with sprinkles of sugar on the crust and a fork.

Cas, who had abandoned looking at the window and began staring at Dean while the extremely attractive boy hat been looking away, flashed a polite smile when Dean looked up, but he was too nervous for it to last.

"I'm Dean, by the way," Dean stated as he cut off a bite-sized bit of pie with his fork, never taking his eyes off Cas.

"I know," Cas said quietly, now looking at the pie, reluctant to make eye contact with Dean. He immediately wished he hadn't.

"Oh yeah?" Dean asked, taking a break from staring at Cas, and looking at his pie for a moment, then back at Cas, "Am I that popular?" he had some pie in his mouth, but not enough for him to be 'talking with his mouth full,' it was actually slightly attractive... but then, it seemed everything Dean did was attractive.

"No- I just... I was here before. Lisa... Well, she pointed you out," Cas really wished he could just say nothing. Or leave.

Dean laughed, dropped his fork, and leaned back in his chair, "Lisa," he said quietly, grinning like an absolute idiot. "So, do I get a name?" Dean asked, going back to his pie, "Or should I just call you Jimmy?" he said this quieter than he had said the rest. It was strangely flirtatious, maybe even intimate.

"Castiel," why had he said his full name? He hated his full name! "Cas," he corrected himself almost instantly, but the damage had been done.

"Castiel..." Dean said softly, rolling the name through his mouth. He didn't say it questioningly like most people did, and the sound of his name in that voice forced Cas to try to hide a shift of his legs under the table. He bit the inside of his cheek. 

"Weird name."

Cas's heart fell and he let out the breath he'd apparently been holding. There it was. Everyone's reaction. No one had ever heard of _Castiel_ before, no one knew how to spell it, no one thought it was pretty, everyone just thought it was a weird name. His thoughts must have shown on his face.

"Not bad though!" Dean said quickly, "I mean, I like it! It's just not something I've heard before. It's nice," Dean looked back at his pie, the two had managed to hold the normal level of conversation eye contact for a while. "God, now I'm making a fool of myself."

Cas just smiled. He was going to tell Dean that _he_ was making a bigger fool out of _him_ self than Dean was even capable of doing, but his brain failed to form the words in time and his mouth failed to speak them once it did.

Dean pursed his lips for a second, causing Cas to realize just how perfect his lips were, "You don't talk much, do you Cas?"

 _I do it's just that you intimidate the shit out of me._ "I- no."

"Cas... that's so familiar," Dean raised some pie to his mouth. Cas watched as he chewed it and bit his lip, almost without realizing it. Dean was looking just over Cas's shoulder. Dean's gaze snapped back to meet Cas's, and Cas blushed. "Do you know a girl named Charlie? Red hair, nerdy as fuck and proud?"

Cas nodded slowly, thinking of his almost-encounter at the boardwalk, "She and I are very close."

A smile spread across Dean's face, replacing the thoughtfulness, "So you're that Cas!" he said triumphantly, just a little louder than the level everyone else in the cafe was speaking. He leaned back in his chair again, his pie was about half eaten.

"What? What Cas?"

Dean grinned, "Oh, she has been trying to set us up for months! Did she tell you about this place?"

Cas blushed again. Dammit Charlie! "What'd she say? About me, anything?" 

Dean bit his lip, in an amused way, and looked Cas up and down, "Well she said you were cute. Which I must say is an understatement."

Cas took a deep breath to speak, though he didn't know what he was going to say, but Dean continued before he got the chance.

"And she said you've got a nice ass-"

Cas took a deep breath and clenched his jaw, "God dammit Charlie!" he mumbled.

"Which I will be looking for as you walk away."

Cas's eyes widened and he look right at Dean, but didn't have the slightest idea of what to say.

"Too much?" Dean asked, but he was still grinning.

Cas looked around for some kind of temporary escape. He didn't want to go back into the real world, but he wanted to get somewhere he could text without being rude... Mercifully there was sign for bathrooms right behind Dean's head.

"I've got to... I have to use the restroom." He stood and quickly walked away, leaving his coat on the chair and his muffin, practically untouched on the table.

"Charlie was right," Dean said just loud enough for Cas to hear as he walked away. He looked back to see Dean turned around in his chair, he had obviously been looking at Cas's ass, but now, he looked into Cas's blue eyes with his green ones, and winked. Cas's heart rate felt like it reached the low thousands by the time he locked himself in the single-use bathroom, much like what one would expect to find in a house.

He had begun to think of a strongly worded text for Charlie, but decided that what he had to say would be next to meaningless if she couldn't hear how pissed he was. The phone rang twice, and then went to voice mail, signifying Charlie had ignored the call. This only fueled Cas's anger.

"Hey, this is Charlie, please leave your name and number. Live long and prosper bitches!"

BEEP

"Charlie, oh my God. Charlie I am going to kill you," Cas started in a hushed voice. "I am in the bathroom of a fucking coffee shop right now because I am getting the shit flirted out of me by _Dean Winchester_ who has apparently heard about me and my ass... from you! What the hell am I supposed to do here? You know I don't know how to respond to flirting! This is the most awkward thing that has ever happened to me _in my life!_ Well I'm going to go back out there and try not to _die,_ I guess. I really hope you're enjoying this. Wish you could be here to watch me embarrass myself, maybe throw in a mortifying story here and there." Cas hung up with an exasperated sigh.

"I have to go back out there," Cas said out loud, "I can't stay in here for the rest of my life. I have to go back out and talk to him." He took a deep breath, ran a hand through his hair, and walked back out. Dean smiled as he sat down, and popped the last bite of pie into his mouth.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, before," Dean said sincerely.

Cas shook his head although he really had, "You didn't."

"I do really think you're cute. And nice. Although you haven't really... talked enough for me to judge."

"I'm sorry. I'm just- not really used to-"

"Being flirted with?" Dean asked, skeptically.

"Talking to new people."

"Really? You're so... People must approach you all the time, I can't be the first-"

"You're the first," Cas assured him.

Dean shrugged a little. "So what's with the suit? Not complaining or anything, I mean, it looks..." Dean took a deep breath, " _really_ good on you. You're not one of those people that wears a suit all the time are you?"

Cas furrowed his brow, a little unwilling to discuss matters of the outside world, particularly the reason he was wearing a suit, "Like a... businessman?"

Dean laughed, "No, people with no reason. I mean if you are that's fine-"

"No," Cas interrupted, "I was... I was at a funeral."

Dean opened his mouth slightly, closed it, and then opened it again to speak, "I'm sorry," he said so softly that his magnificent voice was almost inaudible, "Do you mind if I ask who-"

"My mom," Cas said quietly almost before Dean finished the word 'who'.

Dean visibly clenched his jaw, "I'm sorry, man. That's bad. My mom died when I was like four, so I don't remember her much, but I still miss her. All the time. Especially when Dad leaves."

"Yeah. My dad left a little over a week ago. Right after she died. My brothers have been running things since. I just... I don't know, last time I came here it was like I escaped from the world and... I just couldn't do it. I couldn't stay for another second of the service," why was he telling Dean all of this?

"Just rubbin' salt on an old wound," Dean said understandingly.

"Yeah," Cas said softly.

"You and your mom were close, weren't you?"

Cas took a deep breath, considering the reason they had grown closer.

"I'm sorry, is it tough to talk about her?"

Cas shook his head, "No. It's just... I've got six siblings," he didn't count Lucifer, "so we weren't really, until a few weeks before she died. I hit a rough patch and-"

"Rough patch?" Dean asked, obviously oblivious.

"Um," Cas started to panic, he barely knew Dean, what could he tell him? What couldn't he? Before he could stop himself, he spilled. "I downed a bottle of my mom's pills and ended up in the hospital which... wasn't exactly the plan. When I woke up, she looked worse than ever, and only went downhill from there. Balthazar- one of my brothers... cousin actually, but basically- never mind... he told me that it was because they wouldn't refill her prescription... the one I took, and after that she died. I can't help but think it's my fault," he hadn't told anyone that. Not even Charlie.

Dean blinked and swallowed almost subtly.

"I'm sorry," Cas said, looking away. "Charlie didn't tell you she was setting you up with a headcase."

This seemed to take a moment to register with Dean, "No, that's okay. I mean it's just... you didn't talk and then you-"

"Dumped my problems on you. I know, I'm sorry," Cas played with his muffin. All that was missing from it was what Dean had eaten.

"No! That's not what I mean at all. You just... opened up. It's not your fault your mom died, Cas. If it was the pills that caused her to... spiral down, it still wasn't your fault. I mean you didn't refuse to refill her prescription, did you?"

Cas shook his head, "No, but if I hadn't taken them she wouldn't have needed it refilled in the first place."

"You don't even know that it was the pill's fault. How long was she sick before she..."

"Died. Almost three years."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "And you think it was your fault?"

"Well-"

"Listen, Cas, I really don't know you, and I know you don't really know me, but trust me, I know from experience, you can't blame yourself for this. Even if it somehow was you fault. It will eat you up inside. It's too late to do anything anyway. I didn't know your mom, but I can tell you right now that she wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

"Thank you for the attempt, but the words of a stranger aren't going to change anything."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Would the words of a friend?"

Cas furrowed his brow, "I- um- I don't know..."

"Then you and I are just going to have to become friends."

"Can you just do that?" Cas asked. "I mean- can you just decided you're going to be friends with someone?"

Dean shrugged, "Why not? I like you, I mean in a platonic way, you're cool. Do you like me?"

Cas thought for a second, "Yeah," he said, only to the idea of liking Dean. He found himself thinking of Dean in a not-so-platonic way much more than he would like to admit

"Then let's be friends," Dean stated, "Now, I'd like to get to know my new friend. Tell me about your siblings."

"What do you want to know?"

"Well, usually you'd start with names. Maybe ages."

Cas thought for a second, "Well there's Michael, he's eighteen, and..." he might as well include Lucifer, "his twin, Lucifer-"

"Whoa- you have a brother named Lucifer?" Dean demanded with a smile. "And I thought Castiel was an odd name."

"Well, his name is Nick, but he got into quite a bit of trouble and got... unofficially disowned and now everyone- including him- just calls him that," Cas explained.

"Jesus. What kind of trouble?"

Cas scoffed, "Well no one but Chuck- my dad- knows for sure, but everyone seems to be fairly sure he killed someone, and Chuck helped him get away with it as long as he never made contact with the family again. He shows up every once in a while, though behind Dad's back, he's kind of a dick. He wasn't at the service though..." Cas drifted off.

"Wow," Dean said with his eyebrows raised and a smile, "This is starting to sound like my family."

Cas gave Dean a questioning look.

"Tell me about the rest of your siblings, I'll tell you about my family after."

Cas shrugged, "Gabriel's next, he'll be seventeen next month. Then, Balthazar, he's actually my cousin but he lives with us. We share a room and it's just easier to say he's my brother than to explain that whole situation. He's sixteen. Me, I'm almost sixteen. Rachel is twelve, Hester is ten and Sam is eight."

"Sam?" Dean asked with a grin, "My little brother's name is Sam."

"Well, it's short for Samandriel."

The grin slowly faded, "Wow okay."

"Yeah, it's biblical. Actually, all of the names are. Except Nick, but he doesn't even go by that anymore."

Dean shrugged, "It's cool. I mean, my parents weren't very creative. Me and Sam were named after our grandparents."

"And my dad, like I said before, left. Your turn, tell me about your family," Cas said, relieved to be finished talking about his.

"Well, like I said, mom died when I was four, that leaves me Sam and Dad. Dad leaves all the time, he has for as long as I can remember, so I watch Sam. Pretty much all the time. I basically raised him. Did a pretty good job if I do say so myself," Dean winked, and he was no longer looking at Cas, but over his head. Cas turned in his chair and looked behind him. A little boy, probably eleven, had entered the cafe and was walking toward the table. Cas turned around again just in time to see Dean smile back and wave at the kid. When Cas looked back, the kid was a few steps away and grinning back.

"Hey Sammy," Dean said, as the kid walked up and stood in front of him.

"Hey Dean," Sam replied. Sam had shaggy hair, just a few shades darker than Dean's.

"What's up?"

Sam shrugged, "Dad took another work trip. He said we were gonna go to the movies but he got a call and had to go."

Dean sighed and the smiling man was quickly replaced with a man was all new to Cas. He was tired, and stressed, and in need of a break. But that man was there for only a few seconds, and then he beamed back up at his little brother.

"Well you and me are just gonna have to see that movie aren't we? Did he say where he was goin'?"

Sam shook his head, "No. He just said work. Thanks Dean!"

Dean sighed, "Course Sammy. Why don't you go hang out with your friends. Meet you at the house in a few hours and you can tell me what time and what movie okay?"  
Sam smiled, "Okay!" he said brightly and practically ran out of the coffee shop and waved at Dean from outside the window. As soon as he was out of sighed, Dean put his elbow on the table, his head in his hands and sighed.

"That son of a bitch," he said under his breath.

"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said because it seemed right. He didn't really understand what was happening. Dean had just said his father left all the time, did it just stress him out that much?

"Dammit. Tomorrow's Sammy's birthday," Dean sighed.

Cas's eyes widened, "Wow! What a jerk! Sam said it was for work-"

"Maybe to find work. Son of a bitch doesn't have a steady job. Certainly not one that he'd have to travel for. He's probably looking for whoever he thinks is responsible for the fire that killed Mom. I don't know what he tells Sammy. God, I wish he'd just stay home and be a normal dad for just one of Sam's birthdays. Poor kid deserves it, you know? I mean, I do the best I can, but I'm no dad. I don't know what I'm doing and I really didn't sign up for this!" Dean's voice cracked. Did he just wipe a tear from his cheek or did his face itch? "And I know he gets tired of me, I mean come on, no one wants to spend that much time with me! And I hate to say it but- sometimes I just need to get out and-"

"And be a teenaged boy," Cas finished for him.

Dean looked up, he'd been avoiding Cas's eyes, and nodded a little.

"You probably didn't get to really be a kid did you?"

This time, Dean shook his head. "I remember before mom died. I remember the birthday parties with my friends- or with her friend's kids- and I remember," he paused and took a deep breath, "I remember the littlest shit like the crust cut off my grilled cheese and hugging her after her and dad fought... I just wish Sammy'd had that. I tried my hardest to give it to him and I guess I kinda sacrificed most of my child failing. And yeah, dad wasn't really there, but I think it might have actually been better that way. I don't know, I don't enjoy having been the one to raise my little brother, but I'm glad it was me not him. He... he's got a lot of flawed views and his behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Especially when he drinks. I just wish he'd be around when it counts. Birthdays, holidays, that doesn't really seem like too much to ask?"

Cas shook his head. He had no idea what to say. "I'm sorry, Dean. That's... I wish I could help."

Dean shrugged, "It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault, really. Just bad luck. I know mom's death really pulled John- my dad- apart, I just kinda wish he'd gotten it together by now I guess. I don't know. I really have no idea why I'm telling you this. Usually I don't- I mean, I just met you."

Cas smiled nervously, "I honestly told you... I mean the whole suicide thing isn't usually something I tell people," Cas thought for a second, "I guess that could be because everyone in my life already knows. I mean I didn't tell Lisa."

"Maybe it's a sign," Dean said, smiling a little.

"Of what?" Cas asked before he realized Dean was joking.

Dean half coughed, half laughed, "I don't know, maybe we're soul mates. Maybe we're in _love._ "

This time, Cas knew Dean was joking. He kind of wished he wasn't. Cas smiled quickly, "Yeah," he said quietly.

They were both quiet for a moment, and Cas looked down at his breakfast. His coffee had stopped steaming, and his muffin was still mostly uneaten. He took a sip of coffee, it was still warm, and slid the plate a little towards Dean.

"Want to share this with me?" he asked, "I can't eat all of it."

Dean smiled and reached to take a chunk off the chocolate mound, but Cas did the same. Their hands met in the middle and brushed lightly against each other.


	6. Chapter 6

"Sorry," they said at the same time.

Cas gulped and wished more than anything to pull back his hand and run away from Dean's curious stare, but he couldn't tear his eyes from Dean's. Their hands were just hovering over the muffin, inches apart, their eyes were locked on each other. Dean was the first to lean back into his chair.

"Whoa there," he said lightly, though he still looked nervous, "No chick flick moments."

Cas smiled slightly and sat back in his chair. No one even looked at the muffin.

After what seemed like hours of unbearably awkward silence, Dean's smiled returned. "Hey, you wanna... help me pull somethin' together for Sammy's birthday?" he asked, almost cautiously.

"Sure." Cas smiled, "Sure! I mean, I've got nothing else to do."

Dean took a deep breath. "I have no idea what I'm gonna do."

Cas thought about the first time he'd visited the cafe, "You should take him to the boardwalk," Cas said, smiling, "I've always loved the boardwalk."

Dean sighed, "You know, we did that last year. He seemed to have fun, but I couldn't tell if he actually enjoyed it or if he was just acting that way for my sake you know?"

Cas nodded. "What does he like to do?"

"He's a huge nerd, man. Always at the library."

"You could take him to a museum! Does he like museums?" Cas had only been to one museum in his life, and he'd loved it. He'd always wanted to go to another.

Dean wrinkled his nose, "A museum? That's kinda boring don't you think?"

Cas raised his eyebrows, "You said he was a nerd. Does he like museums?"

"He's never really been to one that I know. He's always watchin' that Smithsonian shit on TV I guess."

"Do it," Cas prompted, "Take Sam to a museum, and if he doesn't like it, just take him to the boardwalk."

"But tomorrow's Sunday. Aren't things like that closed on Sunday."

"Well take him today!"

"I dunno, man. I don't really want to-"

"I'll go with you!" Cas said, grinning brighter than before, "I've only been to a museum once in my life!" Dean's expression changed quickly from uncertainty to one that clearly said 'awww'. "I've always wanted to go another one. I'll go with you and Sam. I mean- if you're okay with it."

Dean smiled and bit his lip. Cas wondered if he knew he was doing it. "Yeah, of course!"

Cas took a deep breath. Yeah, he really wished he was the one biting that lip.

Suddenly, Dean stood.

"What?" Cas asked.

"Well, I thought we'd look at a few museums or talk to Sammy or somethin'. See what he thinks."

"Oh," Cas said. Did this mean they were leaving? "Do you just want to... text me and I'll meet you-"

"Well I thought you'd just come with me," Dean interrupted. "I mean- not that I want to pass up an opportunity to get your number."

"To your house?" Cas asked he didn't comment on the statement about his number, but he certainly heard it.

"Well... yeah, I guess. Is that a problem?"

"Um- no," Cas said quickly. He turned around in his chair and grabbed his trench coat. He stood, and began sorting the thing out in front of him, when a hand made contact with his chin, It was Dean's hand, and it lifted Cas's face so he was looking up at the slightly taller boy. Dean closed his eyes and his face slowly got closer to Cas's. Cas's eyes were still wide open in shock when Dean's lips made contact with his. The contact only lasted about half a second, and when Dean pulled away, Cas's heart rate had really just began to rise, and he didn't know if he would ever breath again.

"Sorry," Dean said quietly with a soft smile, "I just had to. You're so... you're so cute. With that trench coat and your little worried face," he continued fondly, "I know I said 'friends' but... I just had to."

Cas licked his lips, "Worried face?" he asked.

"You were worrying over your trench coat," Dean informed him.

"Oh," Cas said softly. "Don't- don't apologize," he said, although it was a little late.

Dean smiled at this, and gestured toward the door, "Shall we?"

As Cas left the coffee shop with Dean, he didn't feel the same rush of cold and reality as he'd felt the first time he left. It was like Dean provided a shield of warmth and happiness, straight out of the shop.

The walk to Dean's house was full of light chatter and short bursts of laughter. After a few minutes, the initial awkwardness from Dean's random kiss wore off and Cas forgot, as long as he didn't look too long at Dean's face- at those perfect lips- that anything had happened. 

"This way," Dean said, after a few minutes, gesturing to an old, barely functioning motel's parking lot. Cas assumed they would walk through it and that Dean's place would be behind it, or that the road he lived on would be, that this was a short cut. He was wrong. Dean walked up to room 112 and pulled out a key. Not a magnetic key card- a real, metal key.

"When I asked you if you invited me to your house..." Cas started.

"I know, I know. Apartment is more fitting," Dean interrupted.

"Motel room," Cas corrected.

Dean sighed and opened the door for Cas, "We've lived here for over a year."

Cas clenched his jaw, he'd just followed a man he'd never met into the sketchy hotel room he'd been living in for over a year. If Dean was a serial rapist, Cas had been stupid enough to walk right into his sex torture dungeon. Thankfully, Sam was there. The soon to be twelve-year-old lessened the creepiness factor, so did the obvious state of disorder the room was in. It looked like a family of three boys lived there, which they did. What didn't help, was the collage of newspaper clippings and photos of the same rather unfortunate looking man, some obviously taken from security cameras. This curious collage hung on the inside of an open closet with the jackets, plaid shirts and rather random suit hanging in it pushed to the side. Dean quickly moved the hanging garments into a more natural looking order and closed the closet door, looking at Cas directly after doing so.

Cas decided to pretend he hadn't seen a thing, and looked around the rest of the room. The wallpaper was a slightly sad shade of maroon with little off-white dots every few inches. There were two queen beds and a sleeping bag laid out between them. 

"Your dad's?" Cas asked, gesturing to the sleeping bag, assuming any parent in his right mind would let his sons sleep in the beds.

"Mine," Dean corrected, smiling at Sam. "Sam and I shared for a while but a man needs his space don't he Sammy?"

"Sure thing Dean!" Sam said, beaming, and Cas knew the move from bed to sleeping bag had been purely for Sam's benefit.

"You sleep on the floor?" Cas asked softly.

Dean nodded, "Hotel rooms don't usually come with more than two beds," he chuckled, "Although, I'll tell ya, once, dad had a job overseas... in London! That was an amazing city. So clean. Anyway, the room had three beds! The only channels that worked were BBC1, the cooking channel, some channel that marathoned this show called 'Embarrassing Bodies' 24/7 and this channel that was constantly playing American sitcoms during the day but turned into hardcore porn at night. The maids, they stuffed anything on the floor under the sheets if you let them in, but that hotel was awesome. They had an electric tea kettle... in the room! And there was tea and coffee and shit right next to it, with mugs. Man, that was great. You remember that Sammy? You made me go to that Sherlock Holmes thing..."

Sam's face lit up, "Baker Street!" he exclaimed, "That was so much fun."

Dean smiled affectionately down at Sam, "Yeah that was one of the better cities we've stayed in," he said absently. 

"Balthazar- my cousin I share a room with- he lives part-time with his mom just outside of London."

"You ever visit them?" Sam asked.

Cas shook his head, addressing Sam now, "Nah, I get enough of Balthazar while he's here."

"So you've never been to London?" Sam asked, smiling.

"No," Cas said, smiling back at Sam. It was kind of impossible not to. When the boy beamed up at you, you just had to smile back. You couldn't possibly risk ruining his mood and letting that smile fade.

"Dean, I've been somewhere your boyfriend hasn't!"

"I'm not-" Cas started.

"We're not-" Dean said at the same time.

Sam grinned and giggled, "Yeah, because I haven't heard that one before."

"Shut up, nerd," Dean said, playfully punching Sam's arm. 

Cas was forced, again, to smile. The two of them were absolutely adorable.

"Speaking of nerds," Dean said with a sly smile, "I know how tomorrow's your birthday, and I know how dad promised to take you to the movies and left for a job. So... me and Cas wanted to know if you want to go to a museum or somethin'. Since they're all closed tomorrow, we'd have to go today."

"What about the boardwalk?" Sam asked.

"Well we can go to the boardwalk after. Or tomorrow. If you'd want. I mean, if you don't want to go, we can just see a movie and go to the boardwalk like we did last year, but I just wanted to change it up a bit."

Sam smiled again, "Yeah that sounds great. I like museums."

"Thought you might. Seems like your kind of thing."

"Is Cas gonna come with us?"

"Not if you don't want me to," Cas assured him, "I don't want to intrude."

"This was all his idea!" Dean exclaimed, taking Cas under his arm, "I would never have thought you'd want to go to a freakin' museum! I don't think like a geek!"

"Geek?" Cas asked, looking up at Dean, the taller boy's arm still around his shoulders.

"In the nicest way possible," Dean said, looking a little at Cas. "I love geeks."

Sam laughed, "Are you sure you two aren't-"

"Absolutely," Dean said quickly.

"One hundred percent," Cas said at the same time.

Sam grinned, evidently trying not to laugh, "I want Cas to come," he said, "I like him." And after a few seconds, "Though not as much as Dean does."

"Shut up!" Dean said, finally letting go of Cas's shoulders. "Don't think I won't punch the birthday boy."

Sam laughed, "You've done it before. What museum are we gonna see?" 

"I dunno. What museums are around here?" Dean was asking Cas who shrugged."Better get the laptop Sammy!" 

Sam dashed into the serial-killer-closet and emerged with a laptop that very well could have been from the nineties. 

"Is there good WiFi here?" Cas asked, trying to forget, again about the extreme sketchiness that radiated from that closet.

Dean thought for a second, "Well it's not bad. I mean neither of us spend very much time on the computer. That one's so old, you could have the best WiFi on the planet and it would still take ten minutes to load the home screen. Dad's got the good one with him wherever the fuck-"

"Dean!" Sam complained.

"Wherever the _hell_ he went," Dean glanced at Cas. "He don't like it when I cuss. Don't ask me why."

"If I can't, you can't," Sam chimed in.

Cas smiled,by the time Dean was finished, the laptop was ready to go. "Not quite ten minutes," Cas said.

"Yeah, it loaded pretty quick, maybe it likes you," Dean offered.

"What to I look up?" Sam asked, fingers in position and ready to go on the keyboard.

"Try museums near Santa Cruz California," Cas offered.

Although Sam had had his hands in the correct 'typing position,' he moved them now, and typed with a combination of how practiced typists type and 'find and peck' method. The whole process took longer than it would have had someone else been typing, but when Cas looked at Dean, he shrugged.

"He likes the computer," Dean mouthed. Cas smiled understandingly.

"Surfing museum, art museum and natural history museum," Sam read off the screen.

"Surfing?" Dean asked skeptically, but when he looked at the screen, it was confirmed. Surfing museum. He scoffed "Fuckin' Santa Cruz."

"Dean!"

"Freakin'! Freakin' Santa Cruz."

"Now that Dean's ruled out surfing, what sounds like fun to _you_?" Cas asked.

"Hey, I'll go to the freakin' surfing museum if that's what Sammy wants to do. I just think it's a little-"

"Shut up, Dean," Cas and Sam said in unison, then smiled at each other. 

"So glad you two get along," Dean said tiredly. "What museum Sammy?"

"Natural history," Sam said without a thought.

"Alright. Get ready! I'll grab some money and me and Cas will wait outside," Dean said, walking to the set of drawers the old TV rested on. "Oh- and Sam?" he began. "Wear pants."

"Shut up!"

"He ran around pants-less way past the normal 'run around pants-less' age and he will never, ever live that down," Dean explained as he pulled one out and a pile of money was revealed, although, upon closer inspection, Cas realized it was mostly ones. Perhaps the bigger bills were at the bottom of the messy pile. "You have money to get in?" Dean asked once Sam had disappeared into the bathroom.

Cas dug into his pocket, then remembered Gabriel's money. "Yeah, I mean it shouldn't be more than- yeah I've got it covered."

Dean started counting out ones and as the number of singles got larger and larger, Cas began to doubt there were many higher bills, even at the bottom. "Are you sure? We can pay for you."

"No, I'm good. I've got it," Cas assured him. 

"I'll bring a little extra for lunch," Dean said as he closed the drawer and stuffed the money in his wallet. "Let's go outside, it's a little stuffy in here," he said, walking past Cas and out the door. Cas followed. Once out, Dean leaned against the wall outside his room. Then, he slid down so he was sitting, back against the wall. Cas followed suit.

"Sorry that made you uncomfortable," Dean said, looking across the parking lot.

"What?" Cas asked, "The serial killer closet?"

Dean laughed, "Yeah that's my dad's."

"Is he a serial killer?"

Dean laughed again, "No, it's just a job."

"Thought he didn't have a job," Cas said, raising his eyebrows.

"No he's got a job. I mean, it's unsteady, doesn't pay, and causes him to go all over the country- dragging me and Sam with him, but he's got a job," Dean's expression was one of hate and Cas was glad it was aimed at the parking lot, not at him.

"What kindof a job is it?" Cas asked.

Dean looked at Cas and sighed, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you. What is taking Sammy so long?"

As if on cue, Sam walked out the door with a small backpack.

"What's in the pack, Sammy?" Dean asked.

"Camera, bus pass, lunch," Sam said.

"We can get lunch there," Dean said, furrowing his brow, "I know how much you like-"

"It's okay, Dean. I packed enough for all three of us."

"That's-" Cas started, but was cut off by Dean.

"It's your birthday, Sam, we can buy lunch."

"We don't magically have more money on my birthday, Dean," Sam said gravely. 

"No," Dean agreed, "But we can spend a little more. We'll tighten our belts around something down the road. It's your birthday, we're gonna have fun."

Sam smiled but didn't put the pack down or take anything out of it. "I'll take it anyway. You never know when we might get hungry. Let's get going." Cas knew Sam wasn't going to let Dean buy him lunch. 

"You two have bus passes?" Cas asked as they began walking through the parking lot.

Dean nodded, "I can drive, but Dad usually takes the car when he leaves and it's nice not to have to walk everywhere."

"You could just steal a car," Cas joked.

"We try to do that as little as possible." 

Cas looked at Dean and tried to determine if he was joking or not, but the boy just continued to look forward. What had Cas gotten himself into?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait... I've got like three chapters worth of stuff written (minus a little random connecting stuff) so after tomorrow (when I am going to a rock concert Dean would totally approve of) I will be posting much faster for a while. Glad someone out there likes this... hope they continue to!

Sam, Dean and Cas walked to the museum. They walked through the museum. They stared at the exhibits and Dean pointed out things that looked like penises. Sam was fascinated with the actual contents of the museum, Cas and Dean seemed to be fascinated with each other.

In front of an exhibit of skulls, Dean and Cas found themselves staring into each other's eyes. Sam had moved on almost a full minute ago, but neither of them noticed. They made light conversation, but neither was paying attention to what they were saying. Finally, after staring longingly into Dean's eyes and it his lips, Cas leaned towards him and they shared another kiss.

Dean's arms snaked around Cas's waist, pulling him a little closer. Cas's hands were on Dean's chest, fingers curling into his shirt. Dean hummed and pulled away from Cas, although his arms remained where they were. Without opening his eyes, Cas took a deep breath, bringing his shoulders up and closer to his head and bit his lip. He opened his eyes and smiled up at Dean.

"I like this better than 'friends'," Cas said.

Dean grinned at Cas. "Yeah, me too," he said, emerald green eyes locking onto Cas's blue ones. "We should find Sam," he murmured.

"Yeah," Cas whispered, but neither of them moved.

Dean licked his lips. His eyes flickered between Cas's eyes and lips. Cas tilted his head a little and began to close his eyes, Dean did the same.

"There you are!" Sam's voice pierced the scene causing both Dean and Cas to jump and separate. Sam rolled his eyes. "Yeah there's nothing going on here."

Neither Cas nor Dean tried to deny anything this time. There was definitely something going on there.

"What do you say, Sammy? You about done with this place?" Dean asked, shifting the topic.

Sam shrugged, "Sure. You got somewhere you have to be?"

"Not here," Dean mumbled, but Cas nudged him. "No, I mean whatever."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Yeah let's get out of here." He started walking towards the place they'd entered, leaving Cas and Dean alone again. They glanced at each other awkwardly before following Sam out, side by side. Cas almost jumped when he felt Dean's hand against his own, but smiled as their fingers intertwined.

"Hey, Dean do you mind if I... hang out at Jess's for a while?" Sam asked once the three were outside the museum. They stopped just outside the door.

Dean raised his eyebrows, "What about the boardwalk?"

Sam shrugged, "I don't know I just... well I told her I'd meet her at-"

Dean scoffed, "Who am I kidding, go hang out with your girlfriend."

Sam heaved a sigh. "Oh my God, Dean she is not my girlfriend."

"Not yet." Sam glared at him, but Dean only messed up his hair. "Go on!" he said. Sam smiled and started walking back towards the hotel, bag in tow.

Dean turned to Cas. "So," he said.

"So," Cas repeated. "What now?"

Dean considered that for a moment. He licked his lips and the corners of his mouth twitched up a little. "Well we could go back to the room and... you know hang out," he said the last part innocently, which only enhanced how corrupt it was meant to be.

"Or we could go to my place," Cas countered.

"Don't you share a room with your cousin?" Dean asked skeptically.

Cas raised an eyebrow, "More privacy than the hotel room you live in with your father and brother. Besides, everyone will be at the funeral still."

"How far is it?"

Cas considered that, but realized he had no idea where he was. "Not far," that he was sure of. "I don't know exactly, but we'll figure it out."

 

"Wow," Dean whispered as they approached Cas's house.

Cas looked at him skeptically. "Not really." He lived in a blue-grey one story house. The yard was nearly non-existent, and while it was near the ocean, you couldn't see it. Usually, 'wow' wasn't the response it got.

Dean smiled. "It's beautiful. The simplicity, the..." his smile faded. "I haven't had a _house_ since my mom died." Cas glanced at him. "Hotel rooms an abandoned buildings. Like I said, Dad travels for work," he said dismissively.

Cas shrugged, "Well you may not be so impressed when you see what it's like inside. This particular _house_  is pretty far from abandoned, and it shows."

Dean smiled, "I live in a cheep motel room, Cas. You have nothing to be embarrassed about."

"You're right," Cas agreed as he reached the door and pulled his key out of the pocket of his trench coat. "My small section of the house is fine. It's my brothers that have something to be embarrassed about." Cas hadn't realized until he opened that door and invited the boy he'd only known a few hours into his house just how nervous he was. He knew what Dean meant when he asked if Cas wanted to 'hang out'. This was extremely out of character. Cas had barely been in a relationship, bringing a guy home after not even knowing him a day... In his wildest dreams, Cas could never imagine doing such a thing, and yet there Dean was, stepping into his home, taking off his olive green jacket. Cas swallowed his nervousness and fear and followed Dean inside, also shedding his coat. After he closed the door, he turned away from Dean to hang his trench coat on the coat rack, but stopped in the middle of the task when he felt hands slide around his waist. Cas took a deep breath and dropped the coat onto the rack. He turned around in Dean's arms so they were facing each other.

"I think Sam had fun at the museum," Dean said softly, voice rolling smoothly through the silence of the empty house.

Cas nodded. "I think he did too."

"What about you?"

Cas nodded again, looking just above Dean's head as he spoke, "Yeah, definitely. I find history extremely-"

Dean cut him off by pulling him closer by the waist, and leaning in just a bit to fill the remaining gap. His lips touched Cas's and stayed there. Cas worked through the initial shock- which wasn't going to stop, no matter how many times Dena did that- and closed his eyes just as Dean pulled back.

"Shall I... show you my bedroom?" Cas said weakly.

Dean smirked, "Sounds like a plan."

Cas cursed himself for saying that, but led Dean by the hand to his and Balthazar's room. "That one's mine," he said, pointing to the twin bed on the right as he and Dean entered the room.

Dean smiled when he saw the room. Understandably, there were clothes and various papers on the floor, but generally, Balthazar's side of the room looked like a bomb went off. Cas's, however, while appearing messy at a glance, possessed a certain level of organization.

"Sorry it's such a mess," Cas said, staying in the doorway as Dean continued into the room. He made his way over to Cas's bed and sat. He patted the space beside him, inviting Cas to sit. Cas complied, closing the door behind him.

"It's not so bad," Dean said once Cas was sitting. "I mean, you can always just blame Balthazar, he seems to be the disorganized one."

Cas chuckled. "Well, yes," he said. They sat in an awkward silence for a few seconds. Cas began to take off his suit jacket, just to have something to do.

"You're tie's backwards," Dean pointed out when the jacket was cast aside.

"Yeah," Cas said with a bit of a blush. "Apparently no one in this family can tie a tie."

Dean smiled. "Here, I'll help," he said. He reached up to Cas's neck and began to loosen the tie. "I'm not really sure why I know... I mean I can't name a time I've actually worn a tie, but I know how to do this."

Cas smiled back, but Dean didn't see. All his attention was focused on the tie which was now completely untied. "You could just... take if off," Cas offered softly. This was it, his heart was going to pound all the way out of his chest.

Dean glanced up at Cas and met his eye. He pulled the tie slowly from around Cas's neck and tossed it aside with the jacket, all while looking at Cas. He licked his lips and his eyes flickered between Cas's eyes and his lips.

Cas didn't know how, but all of the sudden, their lips were smashed together again, and this time, Dean's tongue was there... finding its way into Cas's mouth and Dean was shedding layers- of course he had a lot of those- and Cas was unbuttoning his shirt. Dean was down to a black t-shirt which he separated from Cas just long enough to pull over his head and cast into the same pile he'd been throwing everything into. He helped Cas shrug out of his button-up and ran his hands over Cas's warm, bare skin. Somehow, Cas ended up lying on his back beneath Dean. Their hands were everywhere... hair, sides of face, sides of body... but Cas gasped as one of Dean's hands found its way somewhere he wasn't quite expecting yet. 

"What?" Dean asked breathlessly, still unbuckling Cas's belt.

"Nothing," Cas whispered. What was he supposed to say? I didn't expect you to go there yet? I've never done this before? No way. His belt was out of the way now, and Dean had somehow managed to unbutton his pants with one hand. Time slowed down as Dean's hand slipped into Cas's underwear. He felt everything, how cold Dean's hand was against his skin, how hot his breath was against his neck, he felt Dean's teeth graze against his jawbone and right as he was about to feel something else, there was a knock at the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also... I have an email address specifically for this sort of thing, and if you'd like to give me any notes you don't want in the comments, want someone to read over something you've written, want to get to know me, or have any reason why you'd like to contact me, that email is jessthesuperwholockian@gmail.com. I would love to get to know any and all of you better than I do in the comments section.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little attempted humor before the waves of sadness.  
> I've had this labeled as "Balthazar is a nosy bastard" for a very long time.

Cas's eyes widened until he thought they might pop out of his head. Dean stopped moving, frozen in terror.

"Shit," Cas whispered frantically. "Just a minute!" he yelled.

"What do I do," Dean whispered weakly, face still against Cas's neck, hand still down his pants.

"C'mon, nothing I haven't seen before!" Balthazar complained from the other side of the door.

"Just a _minute!_ " Cas repeated. "Get your shirt!" he whispered frantically.

Dean pulled away from Cas a little, but still did not move his hand. "What about you?"

"I'm coming in."

"Fuck! No!" Cas cried, but it was too late.

Balthazar stood in the doorway silently,blinking. Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Dean was still on top of him. His hand was still obviously in Cas's pants and they were still both shirtless.

"God dammit, Balthazar," Cas growled.

"You've got a..." Balthazar trailed off. "You brought a... You brought a boy back here? _You_? Brought a-"

"Why aren't you at the funeral?" Cas demanded, cutting Balthazar off before he could further reveal how sexually inactive Cas was.

"Why aren't _I_ at the funeral? I come home to you fucking- sorry, I don't know your name."

"Uh-" Dean pulled his hand out of Cas's pants like Cas's dick had bit him. "Dean," he said with an embarrassed and apologetic smile. "And there was no fucking," he looked down at Cas and quickly sat up so he was no longer on top of him. "Not... yet anyway."

Cas squeezed his eyes shut. _Oh please, God, just shut up_ , he thought, too mortified to speak. _This cannot be happening._

"I come home to you _not fucking Dean yet_ and you're asking _me_ why _I'm_ not at the funeral?" Balthazar demanded. "Because Celeste would totally approve-"

"What do you want, Balthazar?"

Balthazar threw his hands up and tore his eyes away from the scene, "Nothing. Never mind. I guess everyone grieves in different ways. You two... get back to it then. Hope to see you again Dave-"

"Dean."

"Use a condom," Balthazar turned around and slammed the door. It was possible he was half as embarrassed as they were. Well, maybe a quarter.

Dean looked at Cas, who was still lying down. Cas fought the urge to look away and sat up with Dean.

"I am so sorry," he groaned. He wanted to snatch up his shirt and dart out the door and run until he was away from Dean, and far, far away from Balthazar. But more than that, he wanted to place his hands on the sides of Dean's face and smash it against his own. He wanted to slip his hand down Dean's pants this time, and he wanted to make Dean bite his lip and moan softly.

"Well," Dean started, trying to recover his confidence, "I guess I wouldn't have lived if that hadn't happened to me at least once."

Cas chuckled nervously and focused on the carpeted floor. He wished he had the courage to do all the things he wanted to do. Or at least to be the one to start the ball rolling. "I don't really know what to do now," he admitted.

"Yeah, me neither," Dean said awkwardly. They were silent for a moment. "What do you... want to do?" Dean asked.

Cas took a deep breath. He looked at Dean again. "Keep going?" he asked cautiously.

Dean's face didn't change for a second, and Cas began to panic. Had he said the wrong thing? Dean broke into a grin and nodded, though. "Yeah... yeah me too."

Cas smiled as Dean brought a hand up to his left cheek and leaned in slowly, tilting his head and closing his eyes. Dean's lips touched his with hardly any pressure. Everything was soft, the hand on his face, the mouth on his, the hand on his back pulling him closer... closer...

_Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!_

"My phone has the worst timing," Dean said with a smile. "It's Charlie, though, I should probably see what's up."

"You should," Cas agreed with a hint of disappointment as Dean stood. He stood as well, a bit startled, and began to step towards the pile of clothes, but stopped when Dean reached it.

"I'll put it on speaker. I'm sure she'll be thrilled we've met and everything's gone according to her plan."

Cas smiled, "Yeah," he said as Dean dug his phone out of the pile of clothing. Cas crossed his arms over his chest in an attempt to hide some of his body.

"Hey Charlie." Dean said, taping the icon for speaker phone as soon as he answered the call. "You'll never guess who I'm with!"

 _"You'll have to tell me about your latest hookup later,"_ Charlie sounded out of breath, like she had run a marathon, _"I... your...Dean."_

"What's up, kiddo? You're breaking up."

There were a few fragments of words, then the beep signifying the person on the other line hung up.

"She must have lost service," Cas said with a shrug.

"She'll call back," Dean assured him, "when she gets better service."

"You're probably right," Cas agreed.

"So, back to it... again?" Dean asked.

Cas laughed, but didn't reply.

"Come here," Dean said. He was sitting on Cas's bed now. 

Cas did as he was told. He sat next to Dean.

"You're so beautiful, Cas," Dean said, caressing his cheek.

Cas smiled shyly, "Beautiful?" he asked a little skeptically. He'd never been called beautiful before. 'Pretty boy' once or twice by Ruby or maybe it had been Crowley, but never beautiful, and certainly not sincerely.

"Yeah," Dean said, "You're gorgeous, but I'm worried about sounding repetitive with that... I don't want to call you hot... not because it's not true, it just... feels so inconsiderate. No that's not the word I'm looking for. Anyway, handsome sounds way too much like something your grandmother would say, although it's also very accurate. Cute just isn't strong enough, although it's true too. I just want to hug you tight and never let go. But, that's all I got. So I landed with beautiful. Maybe that's not right either. I don't know, what do you think?"

Cas smiled and fought the odd urge to cry. Dean had just thrown rapid-fire compliments at him, and he didn't know what to do. He threw his arms around Dean and buried his nose in his neck. He wasn't going to cry, that was ridiculous. "I don't want you to ever let go," he said softly, breathing in Dean's scent. He smelled like leather and, strangely, gunpowder.

"That wasn't what I expected your response to be," Dean said, a hint of humor in his voice.

Cas chuckled, but didn't move, "What did you expect?" Speaking betrayed him and a tear spilled past his eyes, followed quickly by another.

"Well I was hoping it'd get me laid," Dean said with a bit of a laugh.

Cas separated himself from Dean, but seeing his face only brought on a whole new wave of emotions. He clamped a hand over his mouth, but tears still fell. He nodded and used both his hands to wipe the ridiculous tears away. "If I wasn't such an emotional wreck it probably would."

"What's wrong?" Dean asked, nothing but sincerity in both his voice and face. One of his hands was on Cas's shoulder, moving up and down in a soothing motion.

"I don't know," Cas whispered truthfully. "I'm happy, really, I am."

"That's not very convincing," Dean joked.

"I think it's just this day," Cas said. "I am so, so sorry."

"No, no," Dean said sweetly, "No, don't be sorry," he scooted a few inches away from Cas and patted his lap. "Here, lie down."

Cas nodded and did as he was told. He lay on his side so Dean couldn't see his face as well. He was ashamed, who randomly started crying when someone complimented them? Dean stroked his hair soothingly, though, and whispered sweet things to him until he fell asleep. And even when Cas was sleeping, Dean continued to stroke his hair until, at some point, he leaned back and fell asleep, feet touching the ground, Cas's head on his lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that last bit would be a lot more sweet and smile inducing if I had more time to write it but I am exhausted and I really wanted to get that posted tonight.  
> P.S.  
> I have now been to a Supernatural convention and a Def Leppard/Styx concert. Now, I only need to make it to SD Comic Con and a Kansas concert and my life will officially be complete.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean opened his eyes to a view he wasn't familiar with. This was nothing new to him, he often woke up in other people's houses after being knocked out, or after a particularly crazy night, but this time there was some strange weight on his lap. He was about to sit up when he remembered where he was and who he was with. He smiled to himself. There he was, lying with a gorgeous man, shirtless, and nothing sexual had actually happened, and he was completely content. He was happy just being there, hearing Cas breath and combing through his hair with his fingers. Cas made a small, delicate sound and curled into a ball, freeing Dean's lap. Dean sat up and glanced across the room at his pile of clothes, then around again for some kind of clock. He found a digital alarm clock on Cas's bed stand.

2:00. Time for him to go.

 

Balthazar was sitting on the couch, scrolling through something on his phone, TV on. Dean felt like he should say something, apologize to the person who had accidentally seen him mostly nude, about to violate their little brother. Dean stopped behind the couch, but Balthazar either didn't notice, or didn't care.

"He's... uh... sleeping," Dean said awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

Balthazar shrugged.

"Nothing happened. I swear-"

Balthazar turned around on the couch to face Dean, "Listen Dan-"

"Dean."

"I don't really care if you helped Cas with his science homework or fucked his bloody brains out. Just don't tell me about it." He turned around again, focusing on the TV now.

Dean sighed. Well, at least he wasn't nosy. He started towards the door again.

"Don't hurt him either," Balthazar said as Dean reached the door. Dean looked back, but Balthazar was still staring at the television.

Dean nodded. "I won't," he said, completely sincere. "Ever." And it was true. Dean had heard the 'don't hurt 'em' speech thousands of times, but this time his response was true. He couldn't imagine a scenario where he would hurt Cas using anything other than his own stupidity. It scared him. He'd known Cas for one day and he already cared that much. Dean took a deep breath and walked out the door.

He stood on the Novak's doorstep and breathed in the ocean air. Cas lived only a fear blocks away from the beach. The house didn't have a view of the sea, but the air was moist, salty and calming. Dean pulled out his phone and a pair of headphones. He put them in and started to play whatever came up as he walked away from the house with a smile.

Dean hummed along to _Behind Blue Eyes_ as he walked, but heard something that didn't belong in the song. He pilled one of the earbuds out and heard someone calling his name. He turned around and grinned. Cas was standing on his doorstep, about fifty feet away. He must have left his room in a hurry, because he was wearing his trench coat... and only his trench coat. To be fair, it was tied in the front, kind of like a bathrobe, but the coat wasn't very long, and Cas's legs were mostly out there for the world to see.

"That's not a bathrobe, you know!" Dean called with a laugh.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Cas called back.

"You were asleep!"

"So you were just gonna leave?"

"I left a note!" Dean said, trotting towards the house. He pulled the earbuds out as he went and stuffed them, with his phone, back into his pocket.

"Your number and a smiley face? You call that a note?"

Dean laughed, "Well, I couldn't think of anything to say! Every time I thought of something it just sounded lame," he admitted. 

"Well, what do you usually write?" Cas asked.

"Um..." Dean shoved his hands into his pockets. "I don't usually..."

"Hmm..." Cas pondered. "Does that make me special?"

Dean took a deep breath. "I don't know, I guess it must," he smiled.

Cas licked his lips and smiled back. They were silent for a moment before Dean's phone exploded into song again.

 _Carry on my wayward son,_  
_There'll be peace when you are done,_  
_Lay your weary head to rest,_  
_Don't you cry no more!_  


"I thought your ringtone was cherry bomb," Cas said as Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Just for Charlie," Dean said, looking at the caller ID. "I try to give people ringtones based on how I see them," he looked quickly up at Cas. "If anything describes Charlie it's a bomb and- well, have you seen her hair? Private caller... Hello?"

Cas chuckled as Dean answered the phone, but sobered up when Dean did.

"Hey Kev, what's wrong?"

Cas crossed his arms over his chest, suddenly very aware of his ridiculous outfit.

"She's what?" Dean turned so he could sit on the step in front of the front door. " _Shit_ \- where was she? Are _you_ okay? Do you want me to come over? No, I'm coming over. Okay, in a few hours then."

Cas took a deep breath and stood in awkward silence. Dean was obviously very upset about something, but he couldn't hear the other side of the conversation, and had no was of knowing what was going on.

"Okay. Okay. I'll see you then, Kev. Hang in there buddy," Dean hung up the phone but stared blankly at whatever was directly in front of him, not really seeing anything.

"What was that?" Cas asked cautiously.

Dean looked up at Cas, who was still standing, phone still in his hand. His eyes were full of tears, but he was too shocked to shed them. "That was Kevin. Uh- his family sort of.. took Charlie in-"

"I know Kevin."

"He... he called to..." Dean looked away, eyes moving frantically, searching for something the latch onto.  Charlie ran out in front of a moving car. She was running across the street, right in front of her house and... it hit her."

Cas felt like someone had reached into his body and ripped out his lungs. 

"Poor Kevin's a wreck. He... I guess he saw it happen."

"Is she alright?" Cas asked, somehow finding the ability to speak.

Dean looked back up at Cas again. "She's dead."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's so sappy, I cannot believe I actually wrote this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I am writing this completely out of order (basically whatever I feel like writing) and I've got an ending and an alternative ending (though I'm not sure which is which yet) all typed up and ready so one of these days I'm going to reach a point and everything's just going to fall into place and it will be chapter after chapter. Until then, bear with me here, I don't have much time, but I won't be abandoning this, I promise.

Cas collapsed against the house. Forget speaking, he couldn't breath. He ran his hands through his hair. "No," he choked out.

"She called me just a few minutes before it happened, Cas," Dean said tragically. "She lost service and I just let her go. I didn't even... I didn't even try to call her back because I thought..." he trailed off, looking across the street again and dropped his phone on the sidewalk in front of him. "What if I could've saved her? What if she was running from something?"

"I need to..." Cas shook his head, at what he didn't know. "I should get dressed," he pushed away from the wall, but was almost too weak to stand on his own. "You can come in if..." somehow, even now, he didn't want to leave someone just sitting on the doorstep. Dean didn't reply, so he went into the house on his own.

"What's going on?" Balthazar asked, something about Cas must have told him something was wrong.

Cas said nothing, though, and continued to his room. He didn't really remember getting dressed, or walking back to Dean.

"What could she have been running from, Dean?" Cas asked after a few seconds of sitting in silence next to him. "She's not a criminal she's- she was girl. An innocent, wonderful, beautiful girl."

 

The memorial was small and private. Charlie's 'foster' family was there, of course, they put everything together, Jody, Garth and Cas were there, a few aunts and uncles- family members that didn't step in when Charlie needed them, and a few other friends. Sam and Dean were there. Even if Dean hadn't been invited, Cas would've brought him. He didn't think he could go through this without Dean, not again. That was all, no one else. There was press outside, since it'd turned out Charlie had been running from something- or rather, someone, but no one wanted to talk to them. They didn't know anything... no one knew anything.

The memorial was held three days after Charlie's death, at the same church Cas's mother's had been. Jody, Cas and Garth all went to school every day in between Charlie's death and the memorial. They agreed to all go, to all support each other. Charlie's death hit the newspapers twp days after it happened- the day before the memorial, but even before that some of the students knew. News spreads faster than it can be printed.

Castiel spent nearly every waking moment with Dean. When he got out of school, Dean's arms were there to collapse into. They'd go to Cas's place first and lie on his bed together. Nothing sexual really happened, they were just there, side by side, or in each other's arms, each enjoying the solidity of the other's body, and watching the ceiling as if it would run away. They talked about happy things, about sad things. About odd things and about aggravating things. Sometimes, they would even laugh. But that was always short lived. They would remember Charlie and the silence would swallow their laughter and claim dominance over them once more. When Balthazar got home, they would walk around aimlessly for a while. Sometimes they would go back to Dean's hotel, sometimes they would go to a park and watch people's lives happen. Nothing exciting. Ever.

The few people in the church were spread so thin it made the group seem even smaller. Cas sat with Sam and Dean in the third pew from the back. Dean kept his arm around Cas throughout the whole service. Cas spent the whole thing burrowed into Dean, trying desperately not to cry, but both Sam and Dean had the same reaction. They both stared blankly at the front of the room. They showed no emotion. It wasn't that they didn't care, Cas had seen them before, seen how much they grieved, but in public- even in a room where everyone else was grieving, they barely even blinked.

Cas couldn't do that. He had always had a difficult time controlling his emotions, even understanding them- as if he weren't supposed to have them. He wished he didn't have them. They were drowning him now, drowning him in his own tears which were absorbed by Dean's crisp, white button-up as he shed them. Dean rubbed Cas's back soothingly and pulled him closer with one arm, stroking Sam's hair with his free hand. They spent the entire service like that.

Every time Cas started to get a hold of himself, he looked to the front of the room and saw Charlie's face smiling back at him. Only it wasn't her, it was a picture of her. She was in the purple casket directly next to the picture and she would never smile at him again. She would never threaten to kick Crowley's ass for him again. He would never run into her around town, she would never grab his hand after school and try to drag him along with Jody and Garth to the cheapest restaurant within walking distance- preferably something with WiFi. Every time Cas thought of this, he found his face buried in Dean's shirt again, and he was able to calm himself down, control his breathing and concentrate on Dean's comforting smell and the tight definiteness of Dean's arm pulling him ever closer.

 

Cas was one of the first people out of the church when the memorial was over. Only a few days earlier, he'd been walking out of that church onto that street alone. He'd been so torn up then. Beyond repair, he'd thought. Even though this situation was so similar, even though he'd loved Charlie to bits, he felt much better walking out on this day than he had before. It might have been the warm, slightly rough hand in his. It might have been having all of his friends there to support, and to support him, or it might have been something as simple as a slight change in temperature, but the feeling of the cool ocean air on Cas's face felt wonderful. Santa Cruz smelled of flowers and salty water and fresh food. Inside the church, Cas had felt like life was no longer worth living. He had been so sad, so weak. He'd felt like he couldn't go on. But now, he was out on the street. He didn't have Charlie, it was true, but he had Dean. He had Jody, Garth, Kevin and Sam, and of course, he has his family. Somehow, for a few seconds, the world seemed more approachable, and a smile started to grow on Cas's face. But then, he looked behind him and saw people crying. He saw Kevin, still looking shocked, his mom right behind him with a hand on his back, almost wailing with grief. He saw Dean, still wearing that blank expression, like a mask.

The smile disappeared, but the outlook did not. Dean caught Cas's eye and gave him a soft, sad smile.

"The trench coat," he said, stopping them and taking Cas's hands, one in each of his. "And the tie. Got it right this time."

Cas looked down and realized he was wearing exactly the same thing he'd been wearing when they'd met- all of three days ago.

"It was cute backwards," Dean pointed out. "Dorky, but cute."

Cas smiled, but didn't say anything. And then they were hugging. Dean held Cas so tight he could barely breath, and Cas knew it was for Dean. Dean needed this, Dean needed someone- though he would never admit it.

"It's going to be okay," Dean whispered, but he was convincing himself, not Cas.

"I feel better," Cas said, and he smiled. No one could see, but he really smiled, because it was true. The memorial had given him something, maybe it was closure, but he could go on. Charlie wouldn't want him to feel guilty every time he laughed or smiled. So he didn't. He smiled into Dean's shoulder and he knew that he would keep fighting. He would fight for Jody and Garth and Sam. He would fight for Kevin and for his brothers and sisters. He would fight for that ocean breeze and the fresh baked food. But mostly, he would fight for those strong arms- the only thing since his mother to make him feel safe. For those emerald eyes, capable of melting hearts. For the hands, rough and soft at the same time. For the person he hadn't even known for a week, but he felt like he'd known for decades. Cas would keep fighting for Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this whole long thing where they got into a fight as soon as they found out Charlie died but I looked over it and I was just like "Nope. Nope. Too soon. This shit doesn't even make sense."
> 
> I'm having so much trouble with technology right now it's not even funny. Watch, I will have accidentally posted this like ten times.
> 
> Also, interesting tidbit I just accidentally discovered, from "The memorial was small and private" to "pulling him ever closer" is exactly 666 words according to my computer. It's just Luci sending me a little love note, s'all good.


End file.
